Bring a closure to my nove.

it is about to end

new location for this blog

I will move to a city where blogspot is blocked. So I have decided to open a new blog.

Shantaram

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Shantaram - My favorite book of the year

"What kind of book the Shantaram is?" T asked me. I said it was a book about a man who robbed a bank, prisoned because of the robbery, escaped afterwards, traveled to Indian on a false passport, was robbed in Bombay, lived in Slum, joined Bombay mafia, and returned to prison to finish his sentence. "Oh, so the central idea about this book is crime." T decided. Looking into his eyes, I knew he is no longer interested in this book.

But why central ideas matter that much? Did all the big ideas often untruth themselves? Bible says the existence of the God. But it is the non-existence of the God proves his existence. Capitalism intends to eliminate the poor. But it is the poor who make the rich possible. Communism vows to wipe out the rich. But it is the rich who the poor wants to become. If you agree with me, Shantaram could be your book.

The author, Gregory David Roberts is a sensitive and inquisitive man. Love, hatred, jealousy, insecurity, proud, trust, mistrust...all the emotions that made us human, he has them all. He is very honest about this feeling. He loves easily, but he never trust. He is proud, but often has a inferior feeling. He likes to help people, but his selfishness often comes first He thinks that crime is bad deed, but he has a nature tendency to commit to crimes. All the crimes that he committed were driven by the fear in his heart, but in his heart, he knows that he puts fear in other people's hear by committing crimes. He saw the conflicts in his emotions, but he never struggles with them.  Also importantly, he is a good write. He recorded all the details of his feelings. You had to experience them as if you are also on the run.

To me, another important aspect of this book is that the author had no hopes when the story started. You know, having hopes and working towards them is such a beautiful thing. Many of the books written to tell how people pursue their hopes. We liked those books, and liked the joys brought by hopes. But what if we had no hopes? The reality is that we often have no hopes, but we have to move on anyway. We moved on without knowing where are we going. In the most desperate situations, we have children to give us hopes. Nobody liked a life like that. We then invent hopes just to fool ourselves. 

No hope means complete darkness to many people, and it is such a fearful thing. But in Shantaram, there is no hopes. Opening his book, you start a journal in which you had no hopes. Gregory is the most qualified to invite you to join his journey. His tone is so soft, and you soon decide that he is harmless. He had so much fear, and you would forgive him for all his crimes. His love is absolute, and you would love for him. He unfolds a different world for you, in which you had no hopes.

Hope in the end, you will find the same truth as what I found - Although hopes are lights that enable us to see, they broke our hearts. ...Sometimes, we need the darkness to sleep and repair our broken hearts...Darkness is a good thing...as well as hopeless.


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Critical analysis of Mengzi (3)

梁惠王曰："寡人之于国也，尽心焉耳矣。河内凶，则移其民于河东，移其粟于河内。河东凶亦然。察邻国之政，无如寡人之用心者。邻国之民不加少，寡人之民不加多，何也？"

孟子对曰："王好战，请以战喻。填然鼓之，兵刃既接，弃甲曳兵而走。或百步而后止，或五十步而后止。以五十步笑百步，则何如？"

曰："不可，直不百步耳，是亦走也。"

曰："王如知此，则无望民之多于邻国也。不违农时，谷不可胜食也；数罟不入洿池，鱼鳖不可胜食也；斧斤以时入山林，材木不可胜用也。谷与鱼鳖不可胜食，材木不可胜用，是使民养生丧死无憾也。养生丧死无憾，王道之始也。

King Lianghui said: "I am truly devoted to my country. For example, when Henei had a drought, I transferred some farmers from Henei to Hedong and sent some food to Henei. No other kings are as devoted as me. But population in the neighboring countries is not less and our population is not more. Why?"

Mengzi replied:"Your majesty, since you are fond of wars, I hope to use war as an example. When a war started, some soldier abandoned their weapon and started to run. Some run 50 steps and some 100 steps. The one who run 50 steps laughed the one who run 100 steps. Why is that?"

King said:"I don't know why. No matter how many steps they run, they all did run and they were cowards."

Mengzi said:"Your majesty. That is exactly the reason. If farmers can plant seeds on time, we shall have abundant food. If the fish nets could allow undersized fishes to pass through, we shall have enough fishes. If we collect appropriate amount timber at appropriate time, we shall have a sustainable timber production. If we act according to the course of nature, we shall have no regrets. This is the true ruling of a country."

 

this conversation, Mengzi tried to educate the king about the concept of sustainable development. I have learned the importance of sustainable development during my undergraduate training. But 10 years later, I found that universally, governments still have problems to implement sustainable development. The major difficulties seem to be balancing the short term interests and long term interests. Factories need to release pollutants and law makers need tax dollars. Ordinary people need non-toxic air, water and food, jobs in factories and also protections from governments. How can one quantify the benefit of the sustainable development? Such benefit can only be seen after a decade or possibly a hundred years. But the tax dollars from environmentally unfriendly factories can be easily quantified and they can make an immediate impact on the economic statues of a country.

 

We are logical…but we are often logical on a wrong subject, at a wrong time and at a wrong location….

 

 

Phoebe in Wonderland

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When was your first time experiencing a child? My first time happened when I was 12 years old and felt like being a little bit older than children. At that time, a girl who lived just several meters away often visited my home. I had to say that whenever she came, I wanted to go out. She was loud and always asked for candy. It was one time that I refused to open the candy box for her, she jumped at me and scratched me. I cannot fight back, since I was afraid that I might end up hurting her. She was 5 years younger than me. Her finger nails were small and my arms ended up bleeding.

 

This may sound pathetic, but when was your first time experiencing being a child? My first time was when I was 5 years old. My brother and sister wanted to watch a movie and they didn't want to bring me. According to them, I can never sit still during a movie and I always jumped around. I truly wanted to go with them, so when they went out, I tried to follow. But they walked so fast and eventually they disappeared. I had to return home. I was heartbroken and felt like being trapped in a little body that didn't belong to me.

 

Due to my negative experiences, the notion childhood remained a mystery to me. Do children all feel like a prisoner in that little body and are we all afraid to set them free? If you ever had such a question, you should watch "Phoebe in Wonderland".

 

There are many reasons that this movie would stay very long in my memory. First, the acting in this movie is transcendent. All the actor and actress were so devoted to their roles and they would bring tears to your eyes. Second, the story is philosophical and all the characters are sophisticated. You can experience their depth of thinking and passion. Third, there are many things debatable in this movie and it would keep you wondering for a while, which was a good thing for me.

 

Don't want to make this review a spoiler. But I still hope to give you a basic idea about this movie. It is a story about a little girl at age 11. She first appeared as a normal child, who was spontaneous and intelligent. As we all hate school, you may find that her frustrating experiences in school are quite normal. Later, she was fascinated by her new drama teacher, and tried VERY HARD to get a role in a play. The rest of the story was about how hard she tried to stay in that play.

 

Because she tried too hard, they found a neurological explanation for her devotion. I always had a mixed feeling about neurological explanations for behavioral problems. I liked them, since it gave me a peaceful mind. They made behavioral problems understandable, and you know people who had those problems just "CANNOT HELP IT". On the other hands, I feared those answers. If a problem of a person is caused by neurological disorders, does this mean that this person can never correct his problems, and he doesn't have to deal with it? Instead, as a society, we have to deal with it? If we have to deal with it, will we make this type of person collectively suffer by never treating them like a normal being? By the way, what exactly is a normal being? Didn't we all secretly wish to be a little bit abnormal or special?

 

The movie could be considered as being ended too soon, if you wanted to know more about the implications of being a person with neurological disorders. To me, it ended at a perfect time, when story healed my nearly broken heart. If it lasted longer, my heart would break again. But it is such a wonderful movie, I would watch it again even I knew my tears would run out and my heart would break….

Critical analysis of Mengzi (2)

(2)

孟子见梁惠王，王立于沼上，顾鸿鴈麋鹿，曰：“贤者亦乐此乎？”孟子对曰：“贤者而后乐此，不贤者虽有此，不乐也。

Basic translation of this: Mengzi met King Lianghui. King stood on a wetland and was enjoying looking at water bird and deer. He asked:"Does a wise and kind man also enjoy nature?" Mengzi said:"Only when a man became kind and wise can enjoy these. A man without wisdom cannot enjoy such a beautiful thing."

I had an very interesting conversation with memebers in my book club last month. One of the memebers mentioned that the reason why Japanese cartoon was so popular was because the cartoon figures resembled children very much. Their disproportionally big eyes and big heads....Those are the elements making them visually appealing. I then raised a question: why do children looklovely and why do we always smile at kittens? We certainly were not educated to love the look of children or kitten.

But certainly there are things that we liked without a reason and nobody ever told us to like them. Some of the things that we love have no clear connections with our chance to survive and it certainly was not our ability to reason which had taught us to love those things....

Are we genetically programmed to like certain things? Blue sky? Purple flowers? A white bird gliding in the sky?

I like water bird and deer...and I am not wise and kind..and certainly I am not a man...

*Just a quick note here...I have been cynical towards Mengzi's theories and being cynical is required for most of the critical studies...However, being cynical rarely makes one being creative..It is always easier to destroy then to construct...So..just a small reflection and a confession of guilt...

Critical analysis of Mengzi (1)

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I love Mengzi. He is one of the ancient philosophers who have influenced me. But ever since college, I never touched his writing again. I have been wondering if my experiences in the past few years would lead me to different ideas about this work. I decided to analyze Mengzi's writing using socrates's approach. To me, socrates's approach is to systematically analyze the proposition of a statement. I always think that the proposition of a statement is more valuable than the statement itself. Proposition is what has been accepted at that point of time and location. A statement is a reinforcement of ideas, and not all the statement would be accepted.

(1)

孟子见梁惠王。王曰：“叟不远千里而来，亦将有以利吾国乎？”孟子对曰：“王何必曰利？亦有仁义而已矣。王曰‘何以利吾国’？大夫曰‘何以利吾家’？士庶人曰‘何以利吾身’？上下交征利而国危矣。万乘之国弒其君者，必千乘之家；千乘之国弒其君者，必百乘之家。万取千焉，千取百焉，不为不多矣。苟为后义而先利，不夺不餍。

The basic translation of this paragraph is the following:

Mengzi met King Lianghui. King asked: Since you travelled thousands of kilometers to see me, you must have some ideas that can gain profit to our country. Mengzi said: I have nothing that is profitable, but kindness.

King always wants to gain profit for his country, governers want to gain profit for their family and ordinary people would want gain profit for themselves. This actually endangers a country. For a country with a ten thousands of horses, a rebel has to own at least thousands of horses. If everybody seeks for profitable things, rebels will emerge. They would never satisfy until they deprive others from their profitable things. On the other hand, people with kindness would never abondon their relatives and their king. So, as a king, you only have to ask for the kindness.

Mengzi sounded wise and the King sounded needy. But Mengzi had some propositions that would be wrong.

1. A well respected king would have a strong country. Well, it really depends. King Lianghui was the king of Wei, one of the seven countries in the Zhangguo dynasty (476BC). Wei was a strong country until 340BC when Qing defeated it. During Zhangguo dynasty, the seven countries had a lot of wars. If I were King Lianghui, my priority would also be the integrity of Wei and dependableness of military forces. Qing is far from a well respected king. But he finally defeated all other countries.

2. What king wants is what all people want. That could be true. But was kings always considered role models in the history? Through out human history, crown symblizes those who are greedy and tawdry. I truly doubt that if there is any King who doesn't want profitable ideas for his country. But people are more diverse. Some want love and some want show their kindness.

Now, Mengzi sounded only partially right. If there is only one country and if the nation considers the king as a role model, he could be right.

* A trivial observation: King Lianghui said if you travelled this far, you must have good ideas. He assumed that the efforts equal to the outcomes. But what is the connection between travel and idea? I travelled a lot of places, but I rarely had any good ideas.....

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smuggling and Robin hood

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Yesterday, I listened to a radio show. It was about a book depicting the smuggling in NYC Chinatown, Authored by Patrick R. Keete. Patrick was interviewed and shared with us about his understanding of the smuggling of Chinese people to the US. He first made it clear that his story is not about smugglings of people against their well and life in China has been improving. This has left me with a good impression about this. Apparently, he is not a bigot. He pointed out that the snakehead was simply providing a service that was needed by some Chinese people. He even compared the smuggler with Robin hood. Then he had an in-depth discussion of where, who, how and why of this smuggling. He mentioned that most of the smuggling happened in Fujiang province. Ten years ago, most of capable people were smuggled and now, those who are less competitive were smuggled. Part of the interview was focused on how it happened. Contrary to the common perception of a smuggling where dereliction is prevalent, the snake head was taking care of those who she has helped to come to the US. The snake head helped them to land a job and helped them to mail money back to their home.

Later part of the show was focused on the why question. I always thought I knew why. I once had a roommate who was from Fujiang. Her boyfriend had found a job in Lanzhou. She was very happy with the idea to settle with her boyfriend in Lanzhou. However, there were numerous times that I heard her argument with her dad on the phone. He pushed her very hard to apply a university in the US. At that time, my dad was doing exactly the opposite. I couldn’t figure out why her father would push her daughter to go to a remote place. She told me that in her home town, most of the people envy those who went to the US. Based on her, those who had settled in the US were extremely tawdry when they returned to their hometown. Her father seemed to be petulant and his daughter was his only hope to excel his neighbors.

Before I finally decided to the US, I met another girl who cajoled her boyfriend to apply to schools in the US. She complimented her boyfriends frequently. I never liked compliments, and I always have a good eye for those manipulators. I think she was one of them. She just had too much compliments and none of them was from her heart. One day, she got drunk and she told me that the only reason that she is dating her boyfriend was because she wanted to use him to go to the US and the first thing that she would do when she arrive the US is to dump her boyfriend. She told me about a life with big house and big car….She told me that people in the US are benevolent.

From these two girls, I learned that the reason why people want to go to a different place was because that they think their life there will be better. They got those urges to get away from their current situation. One small such urge will last for years.

But in this show, the author revealed another reason: The economic reformation in China has generated an increasingly enlarged gap between rich and poor. Such gap has pushed people to seek opportunities that can make them one of those rich people. Going to the US seemed to be a risky or venomous but rewarding path.

I have to disagree. I have noticed the tendency of the scholars to tight social phenomenon with economic activities. Economy of course has undeniable influences on social activities. But I think that different economic constructs can still lead to the same social tendency. To explain population traffic, which is a geographic phenomenon, we still need to look at this problem from a geographic perspective. If there is a geographic difference in the income, there will be people who wanted to go to a high income place. This reason seemed to be simple. But it is the true reason. This reason may have different versions depending on individual differences. But I disagree about the author’s explanation to the motivation of smuggling, which is just one version of this reason. It was also an misleading explanation. It made you think that the economic deformation is bad..Think about it. In the US, the gaps between rich and poor are huge. Why there were few American smuggled to China?

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Book Review - Life of Pi

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Once in a while, we all get lost. I got lost in all kinds of places. I even once got lost in my friend’s house. But I was never as lost as Yann Martel. Yan Martel is a Canadian author. He was so lost and he even wrote a book to tell you how lost he was. The book he wrote, Life of Pi, make made him famous and even more lost than ever.

Before I tell you how I feel about this book, I should explain why I am writing reviews about it. I rarely read English novels and rarely found that English can help me to engage with a story. I had to read the Life of Pi for a book club that I joined. The book club helped me to recognize how good this book is. I was intrigued and hoped to record my feelings about this book.

First of all, I wouldn’t praise its writing as much as I would do for other books like Chocolat. The author scrambled a lot. But I would forgive him. You may agree that the following dialogue is typical for a madly lost person. This person would yield to a phone:”I am lost.” “OK, where are you?” “If I know where I am, I wouldn’t consider I am lost.” “OK, which street are you on?” “How can I know what is this street. All the streets look the same…”……When you read through this book, just remember this dialogue and it will help to understand the language pattern of this book.

Despite of its poor structure, I should point out that this book is award winning and it suits a variety of readers. It is in general classified as a fantasy. If you like thriller, part of the story can get really chilly. If you like detective story, you will find that this story is about an unsolved murder case. This story can be both philosophical and amusing. It is quite religious as well.

The main role of this book is a boy called Pi. This book consists of three parts, in which Pi is sometimes fading to the background and sometimes plays infront of you. You wouldn’t understand why the first part exists unless you look at this book from a philosophical perspective. If you are a naturalist, you may find the first several paragraphs of the first part engaging. It admired the ecological and biological attributes of a sloth. Before you indulge yourselves further to the harmony in the nature, Yann suddenly pours the idea of positivism on you and forces you to recognize the cruelty of nature. He kept you wondering if animals truly belong to the nature and if we should worship the beauty of nature as what we always do. In the first part, Pi went through some difficult religious practices. He practiced three religions all at the same time. On the stage of religious beliefs painted by Yann’s pan, all the religious leaders danced as a clown and reveal their human nature. Yann was praising and attacking all these religious beliefs all at the same time.

Story truly begins at the second part. In the second, Pi was traveling from Indian to Canada with his family (of course, tiger and zebra can only be vaguely considered as family) on a boat. The boat was hit by a storm. That was the time when I realized why people call this book a fantasy. Pi ended up saving a tiger out of water and staying on a boat with this tiger, zebra, and later a hyena. Now, you would argue that who would save a tiger and put their own life in jeopardy. But believe me, if you finished reading the first part, you wouldn’t mind imagine Pi saving anything. Also, if you are an extreme naturalist and you seriously practice Buddhism, you would save a tiger, or any life form. So far, it might not be hard for you to consider Pi as a realist. But facing a tiger, he reasoned his way out. He sort out all the possibilities that he might survive in the presence of a tiger. Boat was floating on lonely pacific ocean. He was companied unfortunately by predators of different preys. The ocean was so quiet, and you would imagine that god might hear his pray. But he was just throwing into one horrifying killing scene after another. This reminded you again and again of the cruelty of materialism. But occasionally, Pi would still notice how lovely animals can be. But soon, the story will tell you what a beast they truly are. In this trip, he met another floater, who was thinking about killing and eating him. But Pi survived after floating for more than 200 days…Maybe after all, god did hear his pray. I have to tell you that the second part was so engaging and so real. I forgot my lunch entirely when I was reading it…..

After I wrote this much, you may think that the author’s opinion is well balanced and he is trying to please reader with different views. Quite on the contrary, he wasn’t pleasing anyone. He was gaming and racing with everybody. He put all these ideas into a small cage, poked their weak points and watched them to fight with each other using a weapon called reasoning…But if you liked the Catcher in the Ray, you would find this story is only mildly rebelling.

In the third part, the story was getting even more interesting. Pi was rescued and he told the story about the tiger. Nobody believed him. He ended up making up another story which only him, his mom and another cook were on board. So what is real? Which one is true?

I will leave this up for you to decide. So far, I have covered all the boring details. It is a juicy story. If you are a boy you would find this story advantageous. In these 200 days, there was not even one day that Pi’s mind was at rest. He had to fight to stay alive. If you are a girl, this is a great book for you to know men and their vulnerable world hidden behind their tough appearance. One of my friends told me that the reason why girl got lost was because we got wrong directions. But for boy, they got lost was because they never ask for directions. You would find it is absolute true that once they are lost, they can only be more lost…..

This novel was in my heart very close to song: I am on my knees, looking for an answer: Are my human? Are we dancer (from Human). I hope you enjoy reading it.

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Summer Breeze - for a competition

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*This short fiction is written for a competition on the literature board. Ok. I have posted it on the literature board.

http://www.mitbbs.com/article_t/Literature/31155457.html

If you have an mitbbs account number, feel free to vote for me. Before you preceed to read it, please be adviced that this short novel contain strong languages such as spy, sex or kidnapp...Hope you have fun reading it.

Facing the rising moon, I was walking on a small road alone the Rappahannock River. The moon lights bathed the road tenderly, which made it looked incredibly milky. Stepping on this "milky" road, however, I can feel the growing pain on the tip of my left toe, which can barely hang on to my $1 slipper. I clenched my teeth and slowed down my steps.

Suddenly, I was embraced by some unusual summer breezes comming from the river. Something unsettling can be felt in these breezes. They were as gental as a wild tiger who swallowed a deep growl to keep its prey unalarmed. Dancing around me, they wispered in my ears that something was about to happen. I looked around cautiously. But nothing can be seen. I could feel my pounding heart. A dusk was also alarmed. It suddenly flew away. The sound of its flipping wings penetrated the peaceful river, inviting sea monsters hidden under the water. The wrinkles emerged on the water surface. Instantly, I was frightened and started to run away from the water. Without realizing it, I was already standing on a well maintained lawn infront of a big house.

“Hi, little girl”. While I was collecting myself, I heard a lady speaking to me. My first instinct was to run. Daring not looking towards the direction of the voice, I started to walk quietly towards the road.

“Hi, I am talking to you.” With the added determination in her voice, this lady had made it clear that no one can refrain her from entering your life. I turned and found myself looking at an old lady with a slim figure. She looked pale under the moon light.

“I am sorry. I don’t mean to trespass. I will get off your lawn immediately.”

“It is OK. Honey. I am just worried to see you walking alone at night.”

“I thought this is the richest neighborhood of the town, and I had thought that I would be safe here.” I always felt being safe to live in Fredericksburg. It is a small town. But due to its proximity to Washington DC, it was filled with political elites. In my mind, the politician rarely had time to commit to crimes, since they were busy with starting wars.

“You don’t look like anyone who live here.” Of course, I don’t live here. This part of the town is for lawyers and doctors. I said this to myself.

“Yes. I am heading home.”

“Where do you live?”

“Rose garden.”

“Well, I will give you a ride then. It is too far for you to walk.”

“Thank you. But I am not sure.” After being walking for four hours, I can really use a ride. But my self-esteem tried to stop me from taking that offer. Being poor is one thing. Using your poverty to redeem help is however another thing.

“I insist. It is dangerous to walk at night. By the way, my name is Amy.” Without giving me anytime to reply, She quickly disappeared in the shaddow of the house. A minute later, I heard the noise of a car’s engine.

“I am Echo.” I entered Amy’s car with a little bit reluctance.

“Where did you come from?” After I settled in her car, Amy asked me. She always had some determination in her voice. I had to steady myself to give her an answer.

“You mean originally? China.” I moved from North Dakota to this town half year ago. But I knew that she wasn’t asking about that.

“But you don’t look like a Chinese.” She examined my face carefully.

“I am a minority.” I blushed and felt unease to be gazed at.

“I lived in China for 18 years.” She said this in a nostalgia tone, which made me feel being close to her.

“What did you do there?” I started to feel being relaxed.

“My husband was an engineer, and he had to work in China. I went there with him. I loved my staying there. I loved people there. Many talented people. It is a pitiful thing. Isn’t it?”

“What is the pitiful thing? Talented people?” I was a little bit confused. I was guessing. Maybe what she meant was that she was not as talented as people there.

“Well. I mean, they have a living standard which is not equal to their talents. “

“I see.”

“But you are a lucky one.” She glanced at me with a delighted smile. Me? Not as lucky as you may think. I was nearly homeless. I had no money to pay the rent for two months. My car just died on that day. But I decided that Amy was not going to hear about this mess.

“Well. Maybe.” I said in a falsely cheerful tone. I felt weary of talking further.

As soon as I arrived at my apartment, I found that something strange had happened. All my belongings were scattered on the lawn outside the apartment. Was I robbed? That certainly was not a wise thing to do. Nothing I own was worth any money. I run to the door and my keys can no longer open the door. Somebody must have changed the lock. Suddenly, it occurred to me that it must be the landlord. No. No. This cannot happen. I murmured. I just found a job in a local resturant and I should be able to pay off my debts.

“What happened?” Amy didn’t leave after she dropped me off. Seeing me running around like a mad bee, she got out of her car.

“I was kicked out. I didn’t pay the rent on time.” My voice was shaking. My eyes became watery.

“Oh, Sweet heart. Don't cry. Just collect your things. I can send you to your friends’ place.” Friend? What a beautiful notion. The only so called friend I had in this town was my boyfriend, oh, ex-boyfriend, I should say. On the day when I moved here to be with him, I encountered a sex show in his apartment. Unfortunately, it was a very low quality one and no one would pay to watch. With a broken heart, I lost all my strength to travel and decided to stay here. I had thought that this town was close to Washington DC and there should be more job opportunities here than in ND, where my job hunt was unsuccessful. I was an computer science major. About 10 years ago, any computer science major who can breathe can find a job. But now my OPT was nearly run out and I still couldn’t find a job.

Seeing me tranquillized by her question, Amy realized that I truly had nowhere to go.

“Echo. I hope you can stay in my place tonight. I would be honored.”

“No. I had brought too much trouble to you.”

“No. I know how hard it is to live in a place where you have no family and friends. My daughter’s room has been empty ever since she moved to Chicago. You can stay in her room. I always wanted to have a company.”

Half an hour later, we returned to Amy’s house. Amy brought me to her daughter’s room. It was such a beautiful room filled with expensive furniture. I felt being unbelievably lucky.

“Feel free to read her books.” I noticed that all the books on the book shelf were spy stories.

“Yeah. You have noticed. My daughter had a particular taste for spy stories.”

“I love spy stories.”

“In a romantic way?” Nothing can hide from Amy’s eyes. Yes. I liked reading spy story for its romantic flavor. One of my day dreams was to be a spy, who dress like a star, attend fancy parties and pull out a gun in one second. In those dreams, I was beautiful, lonely and unbelievably charming. But in this cruel reality, I cannot even keep my boy friend. I shook my head to clear my random thoughts and pulled out a book to find my sleep in it.

Since that night, Amy provided a shelter to me and she wanted me to stay until things start to turn around for me. The amazing thing was that she never hovered like a lonely old lady. I can still have time to search jobs. I also worked in a nearby restaurant. After I save enough to buy a flight ticket, I will go back to China. I have decided.

Several days later, after I got back to Amy’s home from my work, Amy told me that her son-Adam- had returned. It was too late to introduce Adam to me, since he went to bed already. Amy told me that he went to China for a contract job for Beijing Olympic.

“Really? What did he do?” It was the first time for China to host an Olympic game. The entire nation was thrilled to have such an opportunity. I was excited to be close to anyone who was linked to Olympic.

“He is also an engineer. He worked on a project that develops electronic signs that can direct people to go to right places.”

“It sounded like a fun project.”

“Yeah. But he had to return, since he had Asthma and it was difficult for him to adapt the air of Beijing?”

“What a pity.” I blushed a little bit, feeling guilty that my capital city did not have clear air.

The next day, I met Adam. For the work he did, I had thought that Adam was an middle aged man. But he was so young. He had a sunny smile which made him irresistible, just like her mother. “Echo, I will bring you to a party, tomorrow night.” He said this without thinking that I might not want to go. If he had asked me whether I wanted to go or not, I probably would say no, since I had no party mood. But he didn’t even ask, I had no other choices but to nod.

“What kind of party it is?”

“You know. Tomorrow is independent day. There will be fireworks in the park. This party will be on a boat. It is hosted by Kevin Flinch. Never heard of him? He is a very rich person. Anyway, many of my mom’s friends will be there.” My eyes lighted. I always liked fireworks. Besides, this may be my last chance to see fireworks in the US.

Learned that this would be a cocktail party, I took out my ethnic dress from my case, which was made by my mom. I never had any chance to wear it. Adam’s eyes were shined when he saw my dressed. “You look so beautiful.” He said.

For that entire night, I heard this sentence again and again. Everybody admired my dress.

While Adam was engaged in a conversation about politics, I held a cup of cedar martini and waited for the fireworks to begin. All of sudden, I heard Adam asking me a question:”What do you think, Echo?”

“Think about what?”

“We were talking about the future of American. Now more and more people here accept the communism. Especially, people in poor neighborhood. They wanted to turn rich into poor and wanted to have things that they don’t deserve. It was proven in China that the communism cannot work out. The government has to exploit rich areas such as Western China. Minorities living there had to give the resources to the government. Sad, isn’t it? I heard that most of minorities in China hate their government. Do you?”

I gazed at my martini. It was hard for me to say anything. I had no idea about the communism in the US, and I knew that I didn’t hate my government. But I felt that I was owning it to Amy to say things that Adam would like to hear. I said:”Well, many people starve to death due to the implementation of communism in China.” After I said this, Adam and other people were all nodding. I had a small feeling of triumphant, which was immediately followed by a feeling of sadness. This mixed feeling happened very often to me. I was always eager to make friends and please people. Sadly, one way to pleasing American was to feed their egos. They did need to hear about the tragedies going on in other countries. Even more sadly, I had my own egos. I wanted the world to recognize the progress made by our Chinese. Feeling completely confused, I left this crowd and waited in a quiet place for the fireworks to start.

“You like quiet places. Don’t you?” Adam said this quietly. I didn’t even know how long did he stand by me.

“Yes. I am waiting for the fireworks. I know very little about politics. Sorry, I didn’t understand what you were talking about.” Inclined to admit that I didn’t like the way they talk about China, I pretended that I didn’t understand what they were talking about.

“It is Ok. I understand. That is very typical for Chinese girls. Isn’t it? The social environment in China prohibits women from participating in political activities.” Adam showed some sympathy in his voice.

Without replying verbally, I shrugged to show my indifference. It was not that I was indifference in woman’s right in China. I was indifferent in Adam’s point of view. Based on his words, I could tell that he was just one of those “I know all about China” type of person. I met so many of them. They often asked about China, but they never listened. Whenever you said anything that did not fit into their stereotypes of China, they would think that you were brainwashed. I glanced at Adam and couldn't figure out if he deserved to hear my own voice. He gazed at the water and was seemingly reflecting on something. All of a sudden, fireworks started. I heard myself screaming in happiness.

After that night, I returned to my tranquil state. Several days later, Adam run into me in the kitchen.

“Hi, Echo. I heard from my mom that you are looking for a job.”

“Yes. I am looking. But I have no high hopes.”

“Really? I have some friends who might be interested in hiring you.”

“But I am afraid that they don’t sponsor VISA.”

“They are very powerful people.”Adam blinked to me. I had to say that I wanted to believe him.

“OK.” I hided my happiness carefully.

Three days later, Adam told me that I need to prepare myself for a short interview. An interview? That was unbelievable. I was thrilled.

“Do they know my visa statues?”

“Yes. I told them.”

“What is their company’s name? I need to check them on the internet.”

“You will find out yourself. No time for the internet checking. We need to go now.”

“Now? So soon.” I run to my room and grabbed my resume. Three minutes later, I jumped on Adam’s car.

An hour later, I found that we arrived at a club house. Are they going to interview me in a club house? I was confused.

When we entered the club house, I only saw one man sitting on a couch. He stood up to welcome us. He was an middle aged man with piercing eyes.

“Hi, My name is David Butcher.” He extended his hand to me.

“Hi, My name is Echo.” I squeezed out the most flattering smile on my face and added some firmness in my handshaking. They said that women needed to shake hands firmly to fool others that they were as tough as men.

“Echo. Adam and I are friends. He told me about your situation. I think I can offer some help here. We do recruit people like you. “

“That is great. Here is my resume. I am sure you will find that I have a lot of skills and experiences.” I soaked my sentence with a lot of confidence. In fact, too much of the confidence. I even heard it dripping to the ground.

“I will look at your resume later. But perhaps, I should give you a little background of the types of person that we are recruiting. I work for CIA.” David paused there. He seemed to be waiting to see my responses. At that moment, my brain run as fast as a super computer.

“CIA as in computer information association?”

“No, CIA as in central intelligence agency.”

“oh? The spy thing?” I was shocked. But I immediately regretted that I mentioned the word “Spy”. To remedy that situation, I asked:”Do you need people who know about the network security? I know a lot about network security, which is not stated on my resume.”

“I have a different kind of job in mind for you.”

“You mean spy?”

“Well. Not exactly spying.”Adam added.

“No. I am not sure about this. Sorry, sir. It is not what I have been expecting. I am not interested in taking on any jobs unless it is a job related to computer technology.” I shook my head and glanced at Adam angrily.

“Echo. You don’t understand. Working for CIA is great. My dad worked for CIA. He was very successful. He retired at age 50. Not many people can retire at age 50. It will be a very rewarding job. You don’t have to worry about your VISA.”

“Adam, please. Bring me back to your house.” Fear started to grow in my heart. Adam realized that I was frightened. He turned to David and said:”David. If Echo ever changes her mind, I will let you know.”

I didn’t say even one word on our way back home. Adam tried to start a conversation, but I just ignored him. I knew I brought this on to myself. I shouldn’t have tried that hard to please them.

At that night, I couldn’t sleep. Now, it was clear that I lived in a house full of spies. They were spies working in my country. People could have been killed. Maybe the bed that I was sleeping on was the reward of stealing information from China. Suddenly, an idea came to my mind: maybe the reason why Amy helped me was because of my minority background. Maybe they targeted me a long time ago. Maybe I was watched all the time. I couldn’t fall asleep. I got up and started searching affordable flight tickets online. But It looked like that I needed another month to get enough money for a ticket.

What now? What should I do? Maybe I should leave this town and go back to ND where I still have some friends who might provide me with a shelter. I started to collect my things and tried to pack everything as quickly as I can. Before the morning revealing itself, I dragged my luggage out of my room and moved it quietly downstairs. When I was about to open the door, I heard Adam’s voice:”Echo, what are you doing?”

I dared not to look back and I tried very hard to open the lock. It cannot be opened!!!

“Echo. Are you trying to open the door?” I wanted to run. But it was too late. Adam already reached the door. He turned the lock in exactly the same way like what I did and opened the door.

“Where are you going in the middle of night?” He asked with an apparent surprise in his voice. I looked at him. I didn’t know why I confronted him when I was so scared.

“I don’t want to work for CIA. I am leaving now.”

“It is OK if you don’t want to work for CIA. I understand. I will find other jobs for you, if you like.” Adam still had that innocent look on this face.

“No. I don’t want to work in this country anymore. I felt that people here are so biased about China.”

“Ha…ha..” Adam laughed hilariously.

“Who doesn’t have a biased view? Echo. Chinese also have biased views about the western world.”

“No. We are in general correct about the western world.”

“Remember, I stayed in China before. Before college, I spent all most all my summers in China. My father worked in many cities. I visited Beijing, Shanghai, and many other cities. It was quite interesting for me to observe the change of altitude of Chinese towards westerners. About 10 years ago, we were treated with respect that we didn’t deserve. In the past few years, people seemed to get used to our presence in big cities. Lately, I discovered that many Chinese have developed a strong opinion against us. They believe that we are simple minded and exploitative.”

“It is true that you are exploitative.” I couldn’t hold back my opinion any more.

“But why do you think in that way?”

“The westerners support Dalai lama. The true intention is however to generate conflicts that can weaken the Chinese community. Put the unity of a society at risk just to maintain one’s political and economical superiority. Isn’t that bloody exploitative?”

“Who told you so?”

“Well. It was my government. But you cannot deny the truth in it. After all, the US should mind their own business.”

“See. That is my point. Our government, on behalf of American, would be interested in weakening other societies, especially ones with different political structure. But a lot of people in this country believe in hedonism. It was not in their nature to stir up conflicts in other societies. But when I was in China, there were people who tried to tell me that my government should mind our own business. I don’t represent my government. Why should I be educated?”

“What do you mean?”

“We are all trying to exercise our ability to reason and we all have desires to express ourselves. But that shouldn’t be a barrier to friendship. Inside, we are still human being and longing for friendship.”

“But I wouldn’t take advantage of my friends. Am I right that I received helps from you was because that I have a minority background?”

“My mom helped you purely out of pity. A lot of American only notice the difference between American and Chinese. But my mom stayed in China long enough to be blind to such differences. I thought I was helping. You also said that you were not happy with your government.”

“It hurts me when I say things like that.”

“It troubles you when you had to say things that are not patriotic. Isn’t it?” Adam suddenly realized this.

“Yes. We value loyalty.”

“OK. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked you about China and positioned you at a difficult situation. But I never meant to hurt you or take advantage of you.”

It was false alarm then. I was really embarrassed and didn't know what to do.

“Echo. You should get more sleep. If I let you go out at night like this, my mom will never forgive me. We will figure out a way to help you, as friends. Are you satisfied?”

I nodded and let Adam move my luggage back to my room.

A monthly later, Adam sent me to the airport. I shook his hand and said:”Goodbye, Adam. Please visit me when you are in Beijing the next time.”

“No. This would be the end of it. I knew you hate spies and I am one. Ha..ha….”He laughed and jumped back to his car. Soon his car disappeared in the first light of a summer morning. My face was kissed by the summer breezes when I was waiving to Adam’s car. There was still something unsettling and enchanting in these breezes. They seemed to prepare me for a new exciting journey. They were trying to tell me that in this new journey, something unforgettable would happen. I inhaled deeply and waited excitely for my new journal to unfold.

.

To Gulee

.

Now it is the best time to remember Gulee.

Gulee is a Uygher girl. We were friends until I was about 12 years old.

Gulee and I used to live on the same street. On that street, I was the only han girl under school age. All other children were boys. My brother and sisters were all attending school. It was difficult for me to find a playmate. In the beginning, I tried to play with boys. But soon I found that I had been treated unfairly. When we played together, all the boys got all the interesting roles. For example, they can be soldiers, scientists, teachers, or even bus driver (the coolest career that I can think of at that time). I can only be a nurse. On top of the boring role, boys’ games were hard to play. I was often the one to be laughed at. I was not as fast or strong as them. When we played hide and seek, I often cannot run fast enough to hide in a safe place. They would drag my pony tails when they found me. When we played war games, they would use sticks to poke at my back since I couldn’t run faster. Sometimes, they pushed me to the ground covered with stones. Every time when I played with boys, I got bruises and scratches on my arms and knees. My mom said that there was not even one day that I had no bruises on me when I was before the school age. I absolutely hated that.

Soon, I found Gulee who was about my age. Of course, in the mean while, I was disappointed at the fact that she was a Uygher girl. On that street, Han usually don’t speak with Uygher. They were like a mystery to us. What do they eat? What do they do at home? All han children wanted to know. Adults warned us to stay away from Uygher children, who looked really wild. They run as fast as lightning and they often yell. When han children got together, the older ones often tell stories. One of the stories that I remembered was about a blind singer on the street.

“You know how was that blind singer blinded?

We all shake our heads vigorously.

“Because when he was little, he was caught by a Uygher man.”

“really? What did this Uygher man do?”

“What a stupid question. He must poke that boy's eyes out.”

“Who is stupid? I thought that was a stupid answer.”

“Do you want to listen or not?”

We then nodded vigorously.

“When the Uygher man caught a han boy, he hung him on his grapevines”.

“Really? That was strange. Why did he do that.”

“Be quiet. Otherwise, I will not continue.”

“Shut up. Shut up..”

“Then a crow landed on the grapevine.”
We started to tremble.

“The crow cracked the eyes out of this boy using its peaks. Uygher people can talk with crow. He asked the crow to blind the boy, so he cannot be charged with his crime.”

“Is that a true story?”

“Of course it is true. My brother told me about this.”

“Which Uygher man did this?”

“All of them would do it.”

I was as scared as the rest of children on that street.

But when I met Gulee, I was really bored and I was desperately needing a girl friend. So risking my own life, I waved to Gulee. She hesitated for a moment and then she approached me quietly. In her eyes, I saw fear, as if they also had a story about han taking eyes out of their children. She spoke very few Mandarin. But she asked me in Mandarin: what do you want? Very unfriendly in the beginning. I showed her my doll. The muscle on her face relaxed. Then she run away. I was so disappointed. After a minute, she returned and she held a wooden doll in her arm. It was so cool. It was the first time when I saw a wooden doll. She dragged my arm and wanted to show me more of her toys. I followed her to her home. Then I saw grapevines in the yard. Fear quickly grasped my heart. I turned and run back to my own home.

After that, Gulee and I often played together. She was also the only Uygher girl under school age. In our games, we often pretended to be mom and we would dress our dolls using clothes made from grape leaves. We would cook meals using mud, stone and sand. Han boys would watch us play. When we finished making dishes, they would run to destroy our mud dishes. They would step on them relentlessly. But we would start all over again. It was always fun to make some dishes. I was so happy to be able to play games as a girl.

One day, Gulee told me that her father made her a cool new toy. She wanted me to go to her home to see it. I couldn’t resist my curiosity. When I entered her yard, I dared not to breath, since I saw her father sitting under the grapevines. There was a crow resting on the vines. I was shaking. What would Gulee's father tell that crow? Bite me? I frozed there.

Seeing me standing as still as a piece of wood, Gulee dragged me to her room. Then I saw it. It was a beautiful wooden pony. It was big. We can ride on it. We played that pony for a while. When it was dark, I decided to go home. When I entered the yard, I heard Gulee’s father talking to Gulee. I dared not to look at him. I started to shake again. Gulee dragged me to a corner of the yard. I wanted to cry. Will they hang me? Gulee took out a silver pot and started to pour water. “Wash your hands”. She ordered. I washed my hands. Then she dragged me to sit beside her father. I peaked at her father. He looked so serious. I dared not to speak. Then Gulee’s mother appeared with a tray on her arm. There was a lot of white things on that tray. “Try one” Gulee said. “It is good.” I took one and tried. It was dry cheese. It was indeed good cheese. “please, eat more”. I felt relaxed and started to enjoy cheese.

After that day, I often visted Gulee’s home. They were great cooks. had so many good food there. I ate grape, water melon, roasted lamb and baked potatoes. I always had to wash my hand using their silver pot. Later I heard that washing hands using silver pot was their way to treat honored friends. During nights, there would be several Uygher families dancing around fire. Gulee dragged me to join them. Her mom taught me how to dance. It was a lot of fun dancing and singing with them. Nobody were surprised at my presence. They only saw me as their own child. Sometimes, Gulee's mom would comb my hair and dress me like one of her daughters. Those dresses were so colorful. I even felt being beautiful.

Gulee never visited my home, since we ate pork. One afternoon, Gulee knocked at my door. My mom answered the door. Gulee gave my mom a big basket of grape. My mom didn’t take it in the beginning. Then Gulee put that basket down and run away. My mom was worried, since she didn’t want to be friend with Gulee’s family. Now she didn’t know who to deal with this basket of grape. She wanted to send it back. But she thought that would offend Gulee’s family. She told me not to touch that grape until she found a solution. After a while, she told me that I can eat that grape. She went to the kitchen and cooked some steamed bun. Then she filled that basket with the steamed bun and asked me to return the basket to Gulee’s family. That was the beginning. Every festival, such as spring festival or even China independent day, Gulee’s family would cook something for us. Every spring festival, han in Xinjiang would make some Sanzi, which is one of Uygher cookies. We always had the best Sanzi on the street, which was made by Gulee’s family. Our guests will eat a lot of our Sanzi and praised it endlessly.

When I was Six, Gulee was seven. Her father decided that she should go to Han’s school, not Uygher school. It was a very brave decision, since majority of Uygher children went to their own school. I became Gulee’s school mate. We were not in the same class. She studied hard and always ranked top three in her class. The entire school was pround of Gulee. She got many awards. She attended several conferences representing our school. The principle of school visited her family and praised Gulee infront of her parents. She was famous in our small town. Many Uygher families consider her as a role model. There were more and more Uygher children attending han's school. Gulee also made a lot of han friends. Her house was always open to us. We all went to her home to taste grape when it was grape season. Her parents were always welcoming.

When I was at the fouth grade, some boys started to give me hells. Sometimes, boys truly can be hell. I often found frog in my drawers and my book bags in the ditch. They did this to all girls. Not only me. Some girls just ignored these boys. Boys soon found these girls boring. They focused on crying girls like me. Their tricks became more and more unbearable. One day, I even found the back of my outfit was covered by inks. But I was too little to know how to deal with this. I cried infront of Gulee. I guess she told her brother about this. I met her brothers several times at her house. I didn’t know that they thought of me as their little sister already. They were attending Uygher’s school.

One afternoon, Gulee told me that her brothers would come to our school to protect me. After school, boys followed me as usual. They started to laugh and drag my bag. When I saw Gulee's brothers, the boy were throwing my books into the ditch. I cried powerlessly. Gulee's brothers run to us and they circled those bad boys. They started to fight. Without any doubts, Ugyher were good fighters, since they had very little fear in their hearts. I was standing there watching. In the beginning, I felt happy since I hated those boys. Then I saw one of Gulee’s brother used a brick to break a boy’s head. I screamed in fears. Gulee went there to stop her brothers. But it was too late. That boy was bleeding. We found our teachers and sent that boy to the hospital together. That poor boy stayed in the hospital for a week before he can return to school. I didn't know what to do. I was so scared.

Ever since then, I kept a distance with Gulee. She seemed to be able to understand my fear. In her eyes, I saw understanding. She also saw that I felt frustrated with my fear. I can see her frustrations as well. Her heart used to be stronge. But now, she had a tender heart like mine. Her grades started to drop. When I was at the fifth grades, my family moved to a different neighborhood and I transferred to a new school. I never said goodbye to Gulee. I truly wanted to. But goodbye was such a meaningless word. There was never any bye bye can be good. Why people insist on saying good bye? I chose my own way to leave that street: disappear as if I was never there. I often wonder if I hurted Gulee by disappearing without saying anything. But I knew she would understand. She know how much fear I had in my tiny little heart made of glass.

When I was in the middle school, I heard that Gulee went to Uygher middle school. There was a day when I was shopping, I felt someone patting my shoulder. I turned and it was Gulee. We were so happy to see each other again and we hugged each other. I then saw her father selling grapes in that market. They almost forced me to take some of their grape. I left with a basket of grapes on my arm. That was the last time when I saw Gulee. I never met her again. She never crossed my mind until four years ago when I was in Beijing.

Four years ago, after staying in the US for several years, I was totally lost in Beijing. It was no longer a city where I can find my own ways. I stopped a cab to find a build that was supposed to be 0.5 mile away. When the cab driver asked me where did I come from, I replied without thinking: Xinjiang. He paused for a second and asked me: “I mean, where did you come from originally.” “ You mean my parent’s hometown?” “Yes.” “They came from Anhui.” “You may want to tell other people that you are from Anhui.” “Why? I grow up in Xinjiang and I am of course a Xinjiang people”. “But the reputation of Xijinag people are horrible here. They are considered thieves and gangsters”. “They cannot be all bad. May a few of them.” “A few? If you walk on the street during nights and you see Xinjiang people, you should run as fast as you can.” I was hurted very much. No. They cannot be thieves. My Gulee and her family. They are decent people with good hearts. I started to defend them:”I cannot believe that you are so biased.” The driver was offended by my attitude and he replied:”You now. Beijing used to be a good place. It is entirely ruined by people like you. Without you, migrants, Beijing would be richer and better.” “What? How can you say things like this. Do you realize that it was migrants who helped to build Beijing?” “The central government spent a lot of money on Xinjiang. People there were lazy and uneducated. Without those lazy Xinjiang people, Beijinger can have a far better life.” I was so speechless. I then demanded him to stop the car. I walked out. I nearly cried. Nobody can say anything that hush about Gulee and her people.

In front of the building that I was looking for, I was feeling lost again. Beijing was like a monster swallowing me. That was the time when I realized that I can no longer be separated from Uygher people. They have found a place in my heart. I missed Julee and missed the time when we played together. Maybe she is married. She could be a mom now. She would dress up her own daughter. But I cannot find her…I knew even if I found her, I don’t know what to say. Will she remember me as how I remembered her? Will she? What will she think of me in the future? I don’t know….But I do know now it is the best time to remember Gulee.

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Gravity

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In a recently watched movie, the dark knight, a bad guy, joker, was portrayed by an Australia actor, Health Ledger who was born in Perth. Considering that I am also in perth, I feel close to him. I have to say  that he is a brilliant actor. He hardly showed his face in this movie. However, his role hunted my soul for couple of days. There was a night that I was waked up by his whisper in my ear (actually in my head): Madness is like a gravity.

 

Gravity…Who can ignore such a nature force? Who can live without such a gravity?

 

I encountered many people in my life. They are all very lovely. But if I silenced all the noise in my head, I can hear their inner voices. No matter what kind of topics we are discussing, A would quietly convert everything measurable, or in certain cases immeasurable into monetary values. Even if A regrets, he/she confession involves money. B would never lose a chance to show his/her intelligence. Even if B invites your advice, he/she would end up advising you. C would try all ways to please you. Even if C screwed up badly, he/she would try to find ways not to remedy the situation but to change your ideas about him/her. D would focus on maintaining distance with you. If you pull D closer, he/she would push you away to keep their independence. Again they are all very lovely.

 

Shall I translate the gravity in the traps of thinking? May it makes more sense. If one can silence all the voices in one’s head and reevaluate all the assumptions, it is not difficult to find such traps. Some traps are real and some are not.

 

Like all human beings, I have my own traps in thinking. However, there are few that I hope to escape.  

 

1.       I should never feel that Xinjiang is not my hometown. It is very easy for an Xinjiang han Children to consider their parent’s hometown as their hometown. But I was born in Xinjiang. I was raised there. It is the destiny that brought me there. Of course, I belong there. Beside, political boundaries are bonded to disappear. Regardless of the differences in the color of our skin, eyes and hair, we have the same set of basic needs. We need to eat, be loved and be kept warm. The existence of the political boundaries reflect our inability to manage our basic needs collectively. But one day, we will overcome our inability. Therefore, I don’t fear the political boundaries.

2.       I will not hate Uyghur people. Even they killed many han, I will smile to them when I see them. For those who have killed, it is not their fault to be trapped in a hateful thinking. We are all trapped in something. They must have remembered the good old days. We all do. We all remembered those good days, when we had nothing to worry. We awake when we had enough sleep. We water flowers every day. We eat fresh vegetables. We never run out of meat.  Cows are fat and sheep were strong. No matter whether these good old days truly exist or not, they occupy our thoughts. The deviation of the reality from these good old days will be analyzed, as if logical thinking truly has power to recover all these good old days. One way or the other, we exercise our logical thinking and have found all kinds of reasons to explain such deviation. Han blamed Uyghur for their inability to keep up with the modern society. Uyghur blamed han for destroying their tradition. Some people attribute the low life quality in China to the overly abundant population. Some used population to explain the fastness in the development in China. Some blamed machines for the increasing unemployment rate. Others created more machines to create job opportunities. Some found that jobless is such an unfortunately situation. Others chose to enjoy the freedom brought by jobless. I cannot tell who is right and who is wrong. But I reserve my privilege to think differently and to accept those who think differently than me.

3.       I will not fear the conflicts. We cannot avoid conflicts. In the long history of humanity, there is nobody ignorant and innocent. We could be all false since there is no universal standard to establish a line between right and wrong. Our life could all be meaningless since there is no universal accepted interpretation of “meaning”. No matter, we accept or not, we were all given one life and one planet to share.  We live in conflicts and choose to see harmony in conflicts.

 

This blog is written after I have read extensively about the recent riot in my hometown. Knowing my family have to face the long-term consequence of this riot,  I feared. To overcome my fear, I write this. I declare a war to myself. There are mortal fear that I think I can overcome. Batman does not exist. I will not be ‘Joker’.

 

 

 

 

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What now?

One thing I have been thinking is how will han in Xinjiang forget this riot? I mean eventually people will eventually get over it. For example, American indian used to kill and Australia aboriginal used to fight. But now everything seemed to be fine.

But question is "how" and "when". How can han and uyger feel safe again? How much hostility one can hide in their eyes?

Where did you come from ?

.

 

 

There are numerous times when people asked me: where did you come from? By instincts, they know I don’t belong to their territory. I have a distinctive accent, which made it harder for people to guess where I came from.

 

I often tell them that I came from Xinjiang. Most people would show their surprises and say: Xinjiang? Wow. You don’t look like Uyghur people..

I would say: I am han. They would ask in hesitation:..isn’t there a lot of minority problems? They would usually stop there, since they don’t know which side I belong to.

 

Most of the time, I would say: Actually, it is fine. Xinjiang is rather peaceful. I never saw any problems there. They would just shrug and smile in disbelief. How could they believe in me. There are many news reporting crimes and protests.

 

But how could I say things differently. I grow up there. When I was a little kid, many of my friends were Uyghur children. When it was grape season, they would invite me to go to their home and eat their grapes. Their parents treated me like their own. There were often Uyghur people selling water melon on the streets. Before I buy, they would open a water melon for me to try. If I praise their water melon, they would gave me their water melon for free. It would be an insult if I pay. During weekend, they would start fire and dance around the fire, I would join them. They would teach me how to dance.

 

I like them from the bottom of my heart. I never witness a fight or protest. I often see they argue or shout. They often yell. But they are born like lion. It was in their nature to play tough. They are so proud. They need to be praised. And they deserve to be praised. They made all sorts of good food. They made best cheese, best dry fruits, best hot chicken, best roasted lamb and so on….They were the reason why Xinjiang was such a fascinating place, not our boring han.

 

I don’t know how to respond to the recent riot. I only wish that time can turn around. I can still merge into their crowd and was not seen as a kid from a different ethnic group.

 

 

 

 

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A friend far away (Final)

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Last night, I had a dream. I often hear people talking about their dreams. One of the common dreams that my college classmates had was to take the college entrance exams. In their dreams, there were always something bad that had happened and prevented them from performing well. Some of them had that kind of dreams even long after they graduated from college. After they awake, they would say: I wish I could be a child again. Children’s world is so simple. I never felt the same way. I always remembered how confused I was when I was a little kid. Until recently, I often dreamed about my dissertation defense. In my dreams, there were all kinds of things that prevented me from doing my defense. I truly hoped that I can be a child again.

Yesterday, I told LD about these dreams. I told him that I started to understand my college classmates.

LD suddenly told me that Ye had nightmares almost every night even 5 years after he killed two people. Ye would scream in his dreams and LD would hold his hands and call his name.

“What did he scream about?”

“Something like: come, come, I am not afraid of you.”

“Maybe Xia left him was because it was impossible to share a bed with him.”

“No, it was not like that.”

“Like what?”

I guess the story about Ye was brewed in LD’s brain like a good tea. It tasted so good even after one sip.

“They were dated for three years. Xia moved to City B to stay with Ye.”

I can imagine how Fe would see to Xia’s comfort. I would imagine how Fe would bring Xia to some fancy restaurants. I would imagine how Fe would bring some fragrant roses to wake Xia up. There must be a lot of roses and candles.

“Why didn’t Fe leave City B? Xia’s family was in City A.” I finally asked the questions that I cannot find an answer.

“Fe used to have a shop manager in City B. He found out that Fe was on the run. He blackmailed Fe. He became Fe’s partner and later, he wanted to Fe to give him all his money. Fe had to deal with him.”

Oh, I see. That was why he cannot return to City A. Now all the sadness I saw in his eyes started to make sense.

“How did Fe start the business? Didn't you tell me his parents were poor?”

“Yes. When Fe was on the run, he had no place to go. He became a thief in a train station. He slept in the station during nights and stole things during days.”

I began to image how Fe walked around in a station. A girl whose husband just abandoned her walked in a slow pace. She was crying. Fe approached her and silently put his finger into her pocket. There could be a college freshman who got lost in the station. He walked around with a frightened look on his face. Fe managed to walk near to him and pulled his wallet out silently. When nights come, he crawled in one of the small seats and screamed out in one of his nightmares.

“When he got enough money, he opened a phone booth.”

On the wall of his phone booth, there must be some cigarette boxes. There must be some instance noodle boxes. Fe wouldn’t let any business opportunities go. I can imagine how he counted coins carefully.

“Then he started his business in City A. He missed his old classmates. He then started his business in City B.”

That was when I first met Fe. He was entirely off the guard when he was with us.

“Did he tell Xia that he was on the run?”

“Yes. Fe told Xia about himself after the first week when they met. It was actually Xia who told his manager that he was on the run.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Xia was just a college student. She didn’t know the real world. She told his manager that she want to write a novel about Fe.”

I knew all about those who are addicted to writing. They were hungry for inspirations and they were eager to share.

“That was why Xia was crying? I once saw she was crying.”

“No. Fe didn’t tell Xia that the manager blackmailed him. He didn’t want her to feel guilty.”

“I swear I did see Xia crying.”

“She was crying since her family didn’t want her to marry Ye. They wanted her to marry someone with a college degree.”

FAMILY. It is family again. Isn’t family supposed to supportive. Why did family constantly become the final obstacle for love?

“After they stayed together for about two years, they had a big fight. Xia went back to City B. After a month, Ye drove to City B to find her. He found that Xia got married within that month.”

“Only a month?” My eyeballs nearly popped out.

“Ye drove back to City A and got into an accident.”

I could vividly imagine how Ye as wrapped in white bondages and was wishing himself to die…………….I could feel the moisture in my eyes.

LD looked at me and tried to comfort me: “It is Ok. Ye is now married and he has a daughter.”

“What!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Yes. I can open my email box to show you his pictures. His daughter looked just like him.” LD run to his computer and was afraid that I could cry if he opened his emailbox one minute late.

I froze there. I looked out of windows. It was really windy. Trees was shaking really hard, as if they were trying their best to leave their land. All of sudden, I lost my courage to look at Ye’s picture. He could just look like those shaking trees. He must have lived like those tree. They all had roots holding them staying in a nightmare. No matter how hard he tried, he cannot move. I started to wonder if he ever left that nightmare.

Last night, I didn't dream about my dissertation defense. I had no dreams at all.

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A friend far away (4)

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Several years later, LD called Fe in a spring festival. Fe was so happy to hear from us since we hadn’t called him in three years. I talked with Fe for only about five minutes. I got off the phone angrily. Things never changed for Fe. He teased me like I was a 10 year old. He always did this to me. I always felt angry when he treated me like a child. He was such a sensitive person and he knew that inside I was just a kid.

He talked with LD for about an hour. I pretended that I didn’t care. But I cannot help but peeking at LD. Sometimes, LD had some sadness on his face and sometimes he smiled. After LD hung up the phone, he was silent for a while. He was just lying on the bed and was thinking. It was extraordinary, since LD never thinks. Even he had two PHDs, he never truly used his brain. But he was seriously thinking about something after he talked with Fe.

I hided my curiosity as long as I could. 10 minutes later, I found myself asking LD about Fe: Was he still dating Xia?

“No. He is no longer with Xia.”

“Who is he dating now?” I never truly cared about Xia. In my subconscious mind, I always know Xia wouldn’t marry Fe.

There were numerous moments when I wanted to tell Fe that it was impossible for Xia to marry him. I once visited Fe in City B. When we were walking on the streets, Fe would point at a cloth at a display window and ask me: “Would that fit Xia?” When we passed a chocolate shop, Fe would ask my opinion on the flavors of chocolates that girls like. All those moments, I wanted to tell Fe that he should be prepared for a nasty break up. We then passed a shop selling wedding dresses. Fe looked at those dresses with a childish smile on his face. That was a moment when I started to believe in Fe. I believed that he would marry Xia eventually. Back then, I was such a transparent person. My disbelief and indifference was all written on my face. Fe must have seen my change of altitude. All of the sudden he also started to believe that he and Xia can have a happy ending. He had forgotten that I was a kid inside. I even believe in things like a hidden magic world behind a rainbow and a guardian angel living on the moon. Outside that shop, we both imagined how Xia would look like in one of those dresses. Later that day, he told me that he miss Xia like crazy. He told me that it hurts when Xia is not around and he wanted to cut himself to dismiss the pain in his heart. I believed him. But when I asked Fe to go back to city A with me, he said nothing. I couldn’t figure out Fe. He was such a complicated person. Why didn’t he just go back to city A?

I couldn’t stop thinking. LD was also thinking. But since he rarely thinks, he didn’t know how to explain to me what he was thinking. I couldn’t sleep at that night. I had to wake LD up and ask him what he was thinking. LD was still half asleep. He had to tell me what I wanted to hear as quick as possible since he falls asleep really fast. He knew that I have a particular taste for tragedy, so he told me: “Last year, after Fe found that Xia was married, he had a car accident. He was nearly killed and stayed in hospital for several months.” This was as far as LD can make. He fell asleep immediately afterward. I missed every detail in between now and then. Were they still dating after I left city A? How long did they date? When did they break up? Was it before or after Xia was married? Who did Xia marry? What did happen in these three years? I couldn’t find answers. After I left city A, I started to behave like an adult. All adults tend to forget things that truly matter to them. The next morning when I was awake, I had forgotten that I had a sore spot in my heart for Fe and MD acted as if he never talked with Fe. It became an ordinary morning. After that morning, Fe never crossed my mind until yesterday.

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