A friend far away (Final)

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Last night, I had a dream. I often hear people talking about their dreams. One of the common dreams that my college classmates had was to take the college entrance exams. In their dreams, there were always something bad that had happened and prevented them from performing well. Some of them had that kind of dreams even long after they graduated from college. After they awake, they would say: I wish I could be a child again. Children’s world is so simple. I never felt the same way. I always remembered how confused I was when I was a little kid. Until recently, I often dreamed about my dissertation defense. In my dreams, there were all kinds of things that prevented me from doing my defense. I truly hoped that I can be a child again.

Yesterday, I told LD about these dreams. I told him that I started to understand my college classmates.

LD suddenly told me that Ye had nightmares almost every night even 5 years after he killed two people. Ye would scream in his dreams and LD would hold his hands and call his name.

“What did he scream about?”

“Something like: come, come, I am not afraid of you.”

“Maybe Xia left him was because it was impossible to share a bed with him.”

“No, it was not like that.”

“Like what?”

I guess the story about Ye was brewed in LD’s brain like a good tea. It tasted so good even after one sip.

“They were dated for three years. Xia moved to City B to stay with Ye.”

I can imagine how Fe would see to Xia’s comfort. I would imagine how Fe would bring Xia to some fancy restaurants. I would imagine how Fe would bring some fragrant roses to wake Xia up. There must be a lot of roses and candles.

“Why didn’t Fe leave City B? Xia’s family was in City A.” I finally asked the questions that I cannot find an answer.

“Fe used to have a shop manager in City B. He found out that Fe was on the run. He blackmailed Fe. He became Fe’s partner and later, he wanted to Fe to give him all his money. Fe had to deal with him.”

Oh, I see. That was why he cannot return to City A. Now all the sadness I saw in his eyes started to make sense.

“How did Fe start the business? Didn't you tell me his parents were poor?”

“Yes. When Fe was on the run, he had no place to go. He became a thief in a train station. He slept in the station during nights and stole things during days.”

I began to image how Fe walked around in a station. A girl whose husband just abandoned her walked in a slow pace. She was crying. Fe approached her and silently put his finger into her pocket. There could be a college freshman who got lost in the station. He walked around with a frightened look on his face. Fe managed to walk near to him and pulled his wallet out silently. When nights come, he crawled in one of the small seats and screamed out in one of his nightmares.

“When he got enough money, he opened a phone booth.”

On the wall of his phone booth, there must be some cigarette boxes. There must be some instance noodle boxes. Fe wouldn’t let any business opportunities go. I can imagine how he counted coins carefully.

“Then he started his business in City A. He missed his old classmates. He then started his business in City B.”

That was when I first met Fe. He was entirely off the guard when he was with us.

“Did he tell Xia that he was on the run?”

“Yes. Fe told Xia about himself after the first week when they met. It was actually Xia who told his manager that he was on the run.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Xia was just a college student. She didn’t know the real world. She told his manager that she want to write a novel about Fe.”

I knew all about those who are addicted to writing. They were hungry for inspirations and they were eager to share.

“That was why Xia was crying? I once saw she was crying.”

“No. Fe didn’t tell Xia that the manager blackmailed him. He didn’t want her to feel guilty.”

“I swear I did see Xia crying.”

“She was crying since her family didn’t want her to marry Ye. They wanted her to marry someone with a college degree.”

FAMILY. It is family again. Isn’t family supposed to supportive. Why did family constantly become the final obstacle for love?

“After they stayed together for about two years, they had a big fight. Xia went back to City B. After a month, Ye drove to City B to find her. He found that Xia got married within that month.”

“Only a month?” My eyeballs nearly popped out.

“Ye drove back to City A and got into an accident.”

I could vividly imagine how Ye as wrapped in white bondages and was wishing himself to die…………….I could feel the moisture in my eyes.

LD looked at me and tried to comfort me: “It is Ok. Ye is now married and he has a daughter.”

“What!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Yes. I can open my email box to show you his pictures. His daughter looked just like him.” LD run to his computer and was afraid that I could cry if he opened his emailbox one minute late.

I froze there. I looked out of windows. It was really windy. Trees was shaking really hard, as if they were trying their best to leave their land. All of sudden, I lost my courage to look at Ye’s picture. He could just look like those shaking trees. He must have lived like those tree. They all had roots holding them staying in a nightmare. No matter how hard he tried, he cannot move. I started to wonder if he ever left that nightmare.

Last night, I didn't dream about my dissertation defense. I had no dreams at all.

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A friend far away (4)

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Several years later, LD called Fe in a spring festival. Fe was so happy to hear from us since we hadn’t called him in three years. I talked with Fe for only about five minutes. I got off the phone angrily. Things never changed for Fe. He teased me like I was a 10 year old. He always did this to me. I always felt angry when he treated me like a child. He was such a sensitive person and he knew that inside I was just a kid.

He talked with LD for about an hour. I pretended that I didn’t care. But I cannot help but peeking at LD. Sometimes, LD had some sadness on his face and sometimes he smiled. After LD hung up the phone, he was silent for a while. He was just lying on the bed and was thinking. It was extraordinary, since LD never thinks. Even he had two PHDs, he never truly used his brain. But he was seriously thinking about something after he talked with Fe.

I hided my curiosity as long as I could. 10 minutes later, I found myself asking LD about Fe: Was he still dating Xia?

“No. He is no longer with Xia.”

“Who is he dating now?” I never truly cared about Xia. In my subconscious mind, I always know Xia wouldn’t marry Fe.

There were numerous moments when I wanted to tell Fe that it was impossible for Xia to marry him. I once visited Fe in City B. When we were walking on the streets, Fe would point at a cloth at a display window and ask me: “Would that fit Xia?” When we passed a chocolate shop, Fe would ask my opinion on the flavors of chocolates that girls like. All those moments, I wanted to tell Fe that he should be prepared for a nasty break up. We then passed a shop selling wedding dresses. Fe looked at those dresses with a childish smile on his face. That was a moment when I started to believe in Fe. I believed that he would marry Xia eventually. Back then, I was such a transparent person. My disbelief and indifference was all written on my face. Fe must have seen my change of altitude. All of the sudden he also started to believe that he and Xia can have a happy ending. He had forgotten that I was a kid inside. I even believe in things like a hidden magic world behind a rainbow and a guardian angel living on the moon. Outside that shop, we both imagined how Xia would look like in one of those dresses. Later that day, he told me that he miss Xia like crazy. He told me that it hurts when Xia is not around and he wanted to cut himself to dismiss the pain in his heart. I believed him. But when I asked Fe to go back to city A with me, he said nothing. I couldn’t figure out Fe. He was such a complicated person. Why didn’t he just go back to city A?

I couldn’t stop thinking. LD was also thinking. But since he rarely thinks, he didn’t know how to explain to me what he was thinking. I couldn’t sleep at that night. I had to wake LD up and ask him what he was thinking. LD was still half asleep. He had to tell me what I wanted to hear as quick as possible since he falls asleep really fast. He knew that I have a particular taste for tragedy, so he told me: “Last year, after Fe found that Xia was married, he had a car accident. He was nearly killed and stayed in hospital for several months.” This was as far as LD can make. He fell asleep immediately afterward. I missed every detail in between now and then. Were they still dating after I left city A? How long did they date? When did they break up? Was it before or after Xia was married? Who did Xia marry? What did happen in these three years? I couldn’t find answers. After I left city A, I started to behave like an adult. All adults tend to forget things that truly matter to them. The next morning when I was awake, I had forgotten that I had a sore spot in my heart for Fe and MD acted as if he never talked with Fe. It became an ordinary morning. After that morning, Fe never crossed my mind until yesterday.

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A friend far away (3)

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In my memory, Xia was a pretty girl. LD later corrected me on this. He even found a photo of her to prove his point of view. I guess she looked really pretty when she was with Fe. They say girls looked prettier when they were in love. But any girls would look prettier if they were with Fe who looked 10 years older than his age. I also think that Xia knows how pretty she looked when she was with Fe. She did baby talks all the time. I figured that only pretty girls do baby talks. They seemed to know that they can get whatever they want by simply doing baby talks.

Walking on the streets, Xia would suddenly say: “Ye, I am tired. I want you to carry me.” Ye really carried her whenever she asked. Ye even carried her to climb a 6 floor building. They looked insanely happy. When she saw a farmer selling strawberry, she would say: “Ye, I want some strawberry.” Ye would happily buy some strawberry for her. There was even once that Xia wanted to eat Bingtang hulu and Fe searched all most entire city to get some Bingtang hulu for her.

Like most of the girls who are in love, Xia played a game with Fe. The name of the game was: Are we truly in love? In this game, boys need to be fast in thinking. Girls will ask a question at almost all occasions: Do you love me. The tricky part of this game was not the answer itself. Boys had to reply with only one answer: Of course I do. The key of the game was the timing. If a boy answered the question too fast, it means that this answer did not come from his heart. But if this boy answered this question too slow, it means that he has hesitation in his love. The most tricky part was actually when the question was asked. For example, Xia once asked this question when Fe’s mouth was stuffed with food. LD and I laughed hilariously when we saw how awkward Fe was in attempt to answer this question in the right speed. Fe had forgotten we were there. His only concern was what Xia wanted. When he was not with her, his only concern was what kind of gifts would impress her.

Fe often had to buy gifts for Xia to compensate for his absence. He had business in City A and City B. Xia had to stay in City A to study and Ann had to tend his business in City B. Half of the time when they were dating, Fe was in City B. The first time when I found that Xia was unhappy was a year later. Fe called me and said that he was worried about Xia since Xia didn’t answer his calls. I went to her dorm to check on her. I found she was crying in her bed.

“What happened? Xia?” I asked in a surprised tone. Shouldn’t she be happy? Fe treasured her that much.

“Nothing happened.” She turned her back to me. I tried to get her to talk. But she kept quiet. To be honest, I never truly understood those who studied literature. Their mood was like the weather in June. One moment, there was sunshine all over the places. Another moment, it poured like a crying baby. I couldn’t figure out all these sentimental fools. I decided that Xia was just in one of those moments. Later, problems will resolve on its own. And most importantly, I had a problem of my own. LD went to a far far away place. In the end, I had to leave Xia’s dorm. That was the last time when I saw Xia.

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a friend far away (2)

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After I met Ye, I often wonder what could happen if I have some madness in my own nature. What could happen if I kicked the ribs of the boy who spilled some ink on my cloth? What could happen if I broke the arms of the boy who dissembled my bicycle? Would I still be me or there would be a red page in my biography dictating my violent nature? Will I then become a prisoner of my own biography?

After I met Xia, I often wonder how she could respond to Fe’s story. Xia was studying Chinese literature in my University. She was about my age. Mysteriously, her acquaintance with Fe was somehow relevant to me, confirming that Fe meant to stay in my memory. When I first met LD, LD discovered that I liked to dance. The university had dance parties almost every weekend. He then persuaded Fe to company us to a party. It was indeed a dreadful thing, since I had to dance with LD who knows little about dancing. I felt being stuck with him. LD could not help but stepping on my toes several times. My usual dancing partner stood in the corner and stared at us with a jealousy look.

LD asked indecisively: “was your partner chasing you?”.

I glanced at my partner who was still standing at a corner: “No. Not really. He didn’t even have my phone number.”

“But I can tell.” LD said this nervously.

I said impatiently: “I will never date a boy who I met in a dance party.”

“Why?”

“I don’t like boys who like to dance. I don’t think there are good boys who would truly enjoy dancing.”

“But it is a typical way to get acquainted with girls.”

“Boys should get acquainted with girls with proper introduction, not in a room as dark as this one.”

That was exactly the moment when Fe met Xia. Fe waived to us several times when he was dancing with Xia. We waived back delightedly without trying too hard to have a closer look at Xia. I only noticed that Xia was a tall girl. I had thought it was an ordinary dance. When the music stopped, Xia would disappear in the crowd. When Fe wanted to invite Xia for the next dance, he would find that Xia started to dance with another boy. After all, it was not the best place for Fe to impress a girl. He looked short among boys who enjoyed dancing and his steps were clumsy. That was also how Xia noticed Fe. I quoted directly from her about her first impression on Fe: “Fe has all the amiable quality except that he was too short”. But after the music stopped, Fe approached us and introduced Xia to us. I guess his subconscious mind recognized his disadvantages in a ball room. He suggested that we should find a decent place to have a drink. When we were all seated, he turned out to be the most amusing person. LD was a man with few words. I was as ignorant as a high school student. Fe was the only one who knew about almost everything. Xia laughed and laughed. I couldn’t remember any topics that we talked about. After we sent Xia back to her place. Fe said this with excitement: “I think I have a chance.”

“A pretty good chance.” After a while he decided. I smiled and nodded with disbelief. No girls would want to date a wanted man even if he owned his own business. No girls. Besides, love never starts in a ball room.

My only explanation to the beginning of the love story between Xia and Fe was that LD was very much in a dating mood and such mood was infectious. The next day, instead of calling Xia himself, Fe asked me to invite Xia for the dance party. He was strategic. That was a first time when I noticed his fear of rejection. I called Xia and Xia declined my invitation. Fe was visibly frustrated. To comfort him, LD and I didn’t go to the dance party at that night. We stayed in LD’s dorm with boredom. But at that night, Xia phoned Fe.

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A friend far away (1)

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There are always people who stayed in your life only for a short period of time and you can hardly remember their names after a few years. Fe is not one of them. Fe meant to stay in my memory. Actually he entered my memory even before he was in my eyes.

It was at one of the nights when I was ready for bed and the lights in my eyes started to fade into dreams. LD suddenly told me a story about Fe, which reignite the lights in my eyes.

If this story was told after I met Fe, I might not remember him so vividly. But his entrance to my memory was so extraordinary, which was indeed overshadowed his entrance to my eyes.

In my eyes, He was nothing comparable to who I imagined him was. Before I met him, I had thought he was a strong and tall man with a sharp figure. There should be some craziness in his eyes, or at least some cruelty. But in fact, He had none of these. He was relatively short (the fat on his belly made him looked shorter). He was ready to flirt, but there was a shy smile on his face. He was humorous and impossibly tender, but there was some sadness in his eyes. How can he be a killer? How can he be a wanted man? As soon as I saw him, there was a sore spot developed in my heart, where my fear towards him was melted away.

Yes, you have heard it right. Fe was a wanted man. He killed people and was on the run perhaps for the rest of his life. I had the luck to know him is because of LD. Back in 1995, Fe was still a college student. He spent some summer holiday at LD’s hometown. That was perhaps the last happy moment that he had in that year. When he returned to his home, he found that his parents were both in hospital. They were beaten by a guy in his village. Ann sought some old schoolmates to help him revenge. They went to that guy’s home empty handed. As soon as they arrived, they found that guy had found several people to help him and every person was armed with knives. I guess that disadvantaged situation brought out the worse part of Fe. He fought harder than he had anticipated. In the end two people died in his hands. That was the night when Fe became a wanted man and started to run.

He first went to LD’s brother’s place. LD’s family are all warm hearted. They couldn’t turn him away. He stayed there for several months. After a while, he started another fight and injured a worker who worked for LD’s brother…He was then on the run again…That was how the story started.

My eyes blinked in the darkness and I persuaded LD to continue:”please, more”. I was so eager to listen to a true story and was so eager to know how Fe ended up being a rich person. LD paused and said:”tomorrow, I will tell you more tomorrow. Your dorm will be closed soon.”

I went back to the dorm room and climbed to my bed. My mind could not rest…. LD told me that I will meet Fe. I had a chilly feeling when I started to picture Fe in my brain. He could have stayed in my memory in that way if I never met Xia.

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