True love is love for humanity

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One of my favorite quotes from the desperate housewife is: the secret for the happily married couples is that they never looked at each other.

Why? Why can't we look at each other? Too many wrinkles or too many grey hairs?

I recently watched several episodes of Lie To Me. It says, you can tell whether a marriage will last by watching a couple talking for 5 minutes.

Why can't people who have been dating for several months tell if they are right for each other?

............................................


First, what can we get by looking at each other?

One notion from Lie to Me which I liked is micro-expression. This TV serious is entirely built upon the idea that micro-expression always tells the truth, since no one can fake micro-expression (Although all the micro-expressions you have seen in that TV series are faked by actors and actresses).

Are we getting too much micro-expressions from each other? A moment of contempt? A moment of resentment? A moment of disgust? A moment of manipulation? A moment of jealousy?

Second, assuming we are truly getting those micro-expressions, how should we interpret them?

If a husband has a look of contempt on his face, does this mean he resent his wife or he resent the situation that his wife has put him through? Did this husband respond to the current situation or a previous experience that had bad consequences? Does this husband resent all things in general?

Third, how should we respond to micro-expressions?

Assuming that we are interpreting a micro-expression correctly, what should be the next step? Should we react or act? If we react, what should be a correct reaction? Should we end a marriage by a look that reveals contempt? Or should we pretend that we haven't seen it? Or should we act out to modify ourself?

Finally, what if our actions fail to change things in the correct directions. For example, a look that reveals contempt now changed into a look that reveals manipulation?

If things are getting complicated, should we stop looking at each other? We all know how crazy this world can be. In most of the situations, we seemed to have no power to control anything. Can ignorance simplify things?


....................
(singles, open a beer and celebrate the simplicity in your life)
....................

I cannot answer any of the questions I asked in this post. But I do have further questions: why a look of contempt is a bad thing? A look of manipulation? A look of mistrust? A look of disappointment? Why can we look at them as if we are looking at flowers with different colors?

Isn't every emotion (e.g., contempt, mistrust, jealousy, and disappointment) a piece of humanity? We must have been hurted at one point by some of these emotions. Why can't we use our wounds to heal others? Why majority of us choose vengeance instead of remission? 

The answer seems to hide within the nature of humanity. If you have love for every piece of humanity, will vengeance mean anything to you? Or vengeance itself is a piece of art by God?

Can our love for humanity conquer our instincts to react to the micro-expressions? Maybe it can. But if we have true love for humanity, we love everybody equally. Why should we stay with the one who we married?

Finally, 

Should a married couple look at each other? If there is not eye contacts, there is no communication. Isn't that just two people are geographically close to each other? (suddenly, I feel passionate about geography)

Theory without practice is fantasy. Practice without theory is chaos. 

Should we call marriges in which couples do not look at each other is a marriage without practice, and the ones in which couples do look at each other a marriage without theory?

So if you are married, you either stay in a fantasy or in chaos.........

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It is coming

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May 5th, final exam will be given.

May 6th, final grade will be given.

May 7th is coming. On this day, I will be condemned to hell.

Knock, Knock...Here comes Ms. Crying.

...Hi, Crying, how are you?

...I am not so well. I am here to discuss my final grade with you.

...Ok...

...I am graduating this semester. I hope you let me pass this course.

...You failed the final exam, and you completed none of the assignments.

...My mother died. I had to take care of her. Illness and funeral. I had to work two jobs to cover my tuition. Too much was going on this semester.

...Can you bring a proof, so I can let you withdraw. By the way, didn't you tell me your mom died last semester?

...No. It was not me. I swear. I don't want to withdraw. I just need to graduate.

...But you failed the exam.

...I am getting married this summer. If you fail me, I have to delay my wedding. I really need to graduate before I get married.

...I offer my congratulations. But still you failed this course.

...My fiancés will leave me if he knows that I cannot graduate it.

...Maybe he is not worth marrying.

...I also have an interview at XXX. I know I will have a pretty good shot. If you let me graduate, I should get that job.

...I really cannot. I cannot change your grade.

tears run out of Ms. Crying's eyes.

...This is my second time taken this course. It is so unfair that I have to fail it twice. Can you give me an incomplete and give me a summer project or something?

...I cannot. You failed the exam. It is not that you really cannot complete the course. You completed it and you failed.

...Life truly sucks. How can you watch my life to be ruined? I cannot stay in college for ever. You have no idea how much I want to start my life.

...I really cannot help.

...I paid you. Part of your salary is from my pocket. How can you fail me? How can you ruin my life like this? Go to hell....









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Friendship

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What is friendship and what makes friendship such an desirable thing for human being?

I cannot claim that I have found an answer to this question. At least, I found some ideas that may eventually lead to the answers to this fundamental questions.

1. Friends help you to kill your uninvited thoughts by distracting you from your own life.

2. Friendship can serve as an explanation for our deviation from our routine life.

Let's cross fingers and wait for the real answers to come in the next couple of hundreds years before the global warming kills us all.



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Kutner was just dead

My favorite TV show "the house" has gone wild lately. Kutner was dead and house has seen ghost.

I loved "the house". It is a fantastic show. We have already accepted the idea of the "butter fly effects". "The house" is trying to tell us that within a "house" there is no butter fly. Everything is caused by something. We are who we are is because someone or something made us who we are.

I loved this TV shows for its appreciation of human suffering. It admits that it is the human suffering that made us a better self. However, it was never revealed that what "a better self" truly means.

Now, a butter fly just broke into this house. Kutner was dead in the previous episode. I, myself, often wrote things. I know the character didn't just die because he truly died. After wikied the show, I found out that the reason why Kutner was dead is because the actor just found a new job.

Ironic..isn't it. A butter fly just hits "the house".


Another show I also loved is "the despearte house wife". It is the blend of "the house" and "the butter fly effects". Everything seemed to have a reason, and there are always unexpected to surface.

Anyway, Kutner was giving such a perfect ending........

50 steps laugh 100 steps

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It was inside a Vietnamese restaurant. The waiter looked like the decedent of Asian. It was unknown if he was Vietnamese. On the table, there was a Taiwan news paper. Above the table, it was a Japanese style light. The furniture had the Modern European style.

Around the table, four people were ready to order their food. Two men were American: white European descendants. They were getting ready to order anything relevant to Chicken "made in America". Two girls were from China. One was from the western part and another was from the eastern part of China. They were ready for some hot soup.

Of course, one girl was me. I wear a coat made in China. My pant was made in Philippine. My sweater was made in Taiwan. My necklace was made in Egypt. My lip gloss was made in Japan and my facial lotion was made in France. In my pocket, there was a cute key chain made in Australia. Besides me, there was some antique Chinese cloth.

All of sudden, the man right infront of me started to criticize the Pakistan society. He heard about a story that a Pakistan girl was spotted in the same room with an electrician (alone). This girl was therefore whipped due to her inappropriate social conduct.

This man, my dear friend, after travelled all over the world, and saved several Vietnamese girls from the cruel war,ridiculed the Pakistan society for classifying the staying of a man and a girl in the same room as bad social conduct.

My question is how can this happen? I mean, the term culture diversity is the invention of the united state. How come the people in this country often judge other society using their own standard? Isn't the idea of the culture diversity is to judge the same thing using different standards?

Besides, what is so wonderful about this society? Yes, single man and single woman can stay in the same room and do whatever they wanted to do (sometimes even married ones). But why are one third of population on antidepressant drugs? I bet Pakistan society is laughing about the United State now.





* my friend, if you see this, please forgive me, my nature is cynical. But no offense. I respect you highly.






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The practical nature of human being

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One man's bible has stayed on my bookshelf for quite a while. I finally find a quiet afternoon to read it. This is almost the first book I purchased in the United State. I got this book is because I was curious about its author, Gao Xingjiang who won a Nobel price. Several of his books were banned in China.

I wanted to know why he got Nobel price and why his books were banned. That is not exactly the question I want to ask. I was sincerely wondering why in such a chaotic world, a system tic investigation about this society can attract that much attention. What was the fear of the Chinese government, and what was valued in the western society. A question with a similar nature has often intrigued me: why in a society where most of the people seemed to be mentally and physically abused, the majority are still loyal to their government? Also in many relationships, one person is clearly mentally abused. Why these people chose to stay in the loop?


What has been ruling people's mind?


One man's bible is a depressing novel, a very bad choice for a sunny afternoon of spring. The language is so so, and story is hard to follow. There is no drama. You only hear a mid-aged man murmuring about his depressing life.

If you read this book, you might be as puzzled as me. It seemed that the author used a really length book to express his anger towards the limited freedom in speaking in China. Why freedom in speaking is such a big deal?

Now, I lived in a "free" land for many years, I never enjoyed the freedom of speaking in this country. You can never say anything negative about almost every thing. Most of the top selling books, such as, the secret of success, coach people about what to say and not to say. You can never comment negatively on other people's kid. You can never talk about the shortcommings of your boss. The reason is simple since these are not your f*cking business. If You say things freely, you will burn a plenty of bridges. Your life is so f*cking over. But why is western socity in favor of such a depressing book? This comment can be extended to another depressiong book: the China man.

Why such a book imposing a threat to a strong government?

Ban...An idea just hits me: the practical nature of human being.

see, this is how the game was played. During the culture revolution, even most of the people were mentally abused, they still see lights in the tunnel. If they can fake their loyalty to the "authority", they will be rewarded in the end. All they have to do is to accept the twisted logic. Apparently it is not such a difficult task, and people have been creative to extend illogical actions of Gang of four. There still is a chance for everyone to find a position in the society.

When the gang of four crashed, the hope of people who are willing to adapt to the twisted logic was vanished, and everybody come back to their senses. It is also like German war. After the war, everybody started to realize the wrong doings of war.

So nobody truly cared the right and wrong of the actions taken by the government. They care more about what they can get from these actions. The public accusation of those wrong doings of government by writers is nothing but a profitable voice appealing to those who hasn't been rewarded.

There are always actions that are taken by government and fail to reward anybody. The accusation of such actions is more profitable, and arouse angry feelings of general public. Once a target for angers is formed, people wouldn't leave it blank without firing arrows made by angers.

It is not the crash of the moral standard that brings down a government. It is a crash of the rewarding system that makes a government weak. Writers like Gao XingJiang are of course the fear of the government, since they pointed out that your loyalty might not be rewarded. Why the western society love this book? They need to defeat China without using any weapon.

Everybody is practical.........We are born to be practical.



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I love you google

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Love is often stupid. So is my love to google. I found that because of my love to google, I cannot type without google auto-suggestions. I cannot convert units on my own anymore, I cannot even read maps anymore....

But I still love google, for its creativity. I hope you also clicked New! Gmail Autopilot. It is a brilliant idea..I love it, even know it is a April fool job. But I do love it. I especially love their cute examples for the auto-reply. I wish I can eat a shark while it is still alive...I just love it....

My love to google may seem to be insane to many people. I heard many "older generation" criticize the younger generation for their inability to read, write and think. I often wonder: who's fault is this? If it is not something that the older generation has done, how come the younger generation can survive without reading and thinking?

I just don't understand why "the older generation" deserve to have a sense of superiority?............We are all April's fool....No one is better than the other..........





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..Who is more stupid?

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The first time I watched "the Gods must be crazy" is when I was in highschool. It must be a good movie, since I never forget it. This year, I watched it again. There are about 15 years between the first time and the second time.

Because of this movie, 15 years ago, I recognized the silliness in the improvement of the technology. How silly those modern people looked in comparision to those bushmen? How pointless these technologies looked like. 15 years later, After I watched this movie again, I however recognized the vulnerability in the human race. No matter how innocent these bushman appeared to be, their small world can be turned upsidedown by a small bottle, a nearly invisible item in the modern world.

Who is more superior? Or maybe nobody is superior at all. I guess the reason I could start to see this movie from a different angle is because that I read a book.

A friend recommended a brief history of time to me a long time ago. I never had the mood to read it. Until recently, I started to read it. My first impression is that this book can get everybody's attention. When reading this book, I felt like sitting on a board and floating in the river of time to watch the long history of the scientists seeking for the truth. This book has make it clear in the beginning that there is no absolute location, time, and truth, and the only thing seems to hold truth is our needy nature demanding for an nonexisted order. It still lays out the persistant tries of human being seeking relative location, relative time and relative truth.

It does exactly the same thing as "the gods must be crazy", only from a more serious perspective. They both yearn for the meaning of life, and they both left me being stoned in confusion, which is a good thing. The more confused I am, the more normal I can be. At least, the pursuit of happiness is no longer on the top of my mind. If everything or every order is provisional, so does the happiness............


...I don't know why. But It felt good to know everybody is confused.....Maybe it establish a relative order, in which we are equally ...........confused...........





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messing vs. missing

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A friend strongly recommended the oxford murder to me. I asked her why it is good. She said that a boy in the movie said:

...I would rather be messing up with my life than be missing it.....

It sounds brilliant. But two notions in this sentence are unclear. What could be messed up and what could be missed?

Let's imagine: you fall in love with a boy and you don't know if you should confess. So assuming you only have two choices: confess or not confess, let's index these two choices as Scene A and Scene B.

Assuming Scene A actually occurred, you would get only two answers: Yes or No. Let's index these two results as Scene Aa and Scene Ab.

Assuming Scene B actually occurred, you would get only two choices: Forget the boy or Love him forever. Let's index these two outcomes as Scene Ba and Scene Bb.

So far, Aa looks like the most desirable scenario, but it prevents you from knowing other boys. Bb looks like the most miserable outcome, but it could prevent you from getting into a possible fatal marriage. No matter which scenario actually happened, you will have an outcome, and this outcome belongs to you. So you don't actually miss anything. You just played out your destiny.

Let's put up a more dramatic scene. So assuming you want to kill a person, and you only have two choices: kill or not kill, let's also index these two choices as Scene A and Scene B.

Assuming Scene A actually occurred, you would get only two outcomes: you are sentence to death or you concealed your crime. Let's index these two results as Scene Aa and Scene Ab.

Assuming Scene B actually occurred, you would get only two choices: Forget this person or hate him forever. Let's index these two results as Scene Ba and Scene Bb.

Scene Ab looks good so far. But you may live in fear and guilt for the rest of your life. Scene Ba only suits Divine people. If you are a Divine people, you probably would never come up with the idea of killing. Scene Bb is perhaps what most of us would experience. But we unavoidable take out our rage on other person, which makes this world a horrible place.

Based on the above examples, it is not difficult for me to reach the conclusion: You cannot miss your life, since time is unstoppable. You may choose to experience things that you want to experience in a particular time period. But you cannot control what comes the next.

The boy in the movie pursued other to mess up their life. He can only have two motives: to satisfy his own need, or to watch other person to suffer. No matter what motives this boy has, it is not his life, and he does not experience the outcomes.

I haven't watched this movie, but I do have a conclusion about this movie: not worth watching.....

Nothing can be missed, since time continues. No matter A or B, every moment of my life will be filled with a choice and an outcome. I cannot miss my life.


Well. I know people should not judge a book by its cover....But I do. Why I sounded so philosophical? I am reading A brief history of time.




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I don't need this

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I angrily left a seminar right in the middle of it two months ago. My abrupt departure interrupted the seminar a little bit. To get ride of my guilt, I murmured to myself: I am not going to waste my time on this crappy seminar. They are trying to stuff my mind with their garbage. I am not letting them do that.(apologize for my vocabulary. I am reading the catcher in the rye lately).

I had thought God let it go. Yesterday, after giving my students a complicated project requiring maths and statistics, I heard one of them complaining: what am I supposed to do with all those maths. I never need statistics...Why do I have to do this crappy project.


God...I confess. I was wrong to walk out of that seminar angrily. Thank you for finding a creative way to punish me.




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Father ..........

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A said: I am really happy that I finally decided to go back to my single statues. The problem is that my father is freaking out.

I said: It is Ok. I am perfectly fine with my double statues. My father is still freaking out.

A said: Really? freaking out about what?

I said: A lot of things..being mistreated..perhaps..It is difficult to tell...

A said: Actually mine too. But shouldn't they be more peaceful? They seem to have seen it all.

I said: Right. They just have seen too much the worst part of all things..I guess...

A said: What am I supposed to do? What should I tell him to calm him down.

I said: Nothing. They will always find a way to freak out.




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Spring -- a gift

Spring is a gift from winter. Winter is a not a bad guy. He is just a little bit cool. Because he has a good heart, he felt embarrassed when people rub their hands to get warmth.

He therefore studied people. He figured out how to bring people joy and peace. He used all his imagination to paint and now he anxiously presented his work..... Hope you enjoy....

Crazy world

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My favorite comedy is "the Gods must be crazy". I guess I am very lucky, since this comedy is played almost everyday and almost everywhere. For instance, after my school adopted the new Microsoft softwares, almost everyweek there was a colleague standing at my door and complaining about a disappeared or newly emerged function.

Another comedy played also almost everyday can be named as "the people must be crazy". When I came to this country, people told me that it is rude to stick your hand infront of somebody to click button's in the elevator. Each time, I enter an elevator, I always asked politely "Seven, please?". Last week, I met a lady in the elevator. She stood right beside the keyboard. I asked "Seven, please?". She said something, and I didn't catch her, so I asked her to repeat. A sentence jumped out of her mouth word by word: "All you have to do is to push "SEVEN", do you want me to tell you where seven is?" This week, I have been cautious, I always tried to push that button myself. Yesterday, after I pushed 'seven', I heard someone murmured: you should have let me push it...

Last year, several co-workers and I went out for a lunch. During the lunch, our favorite subject is to complain about emails. We all absolutely hated them, since they were just a big distraction. I had thought that we reached a consensus about something. I never replied to any emails unless it is sent only to me and a reply is necessary. Last week, I over-heard a colleague complaining about "some people" who just didn't care enough to simply reply his emails........

I often run to Seven-eleven to get some milk for my coffee. On my way, I once encountered someone saying hello to me. I guess I just waived to reply. He actually stopped me and lectured me about how should I reply in a proper manor. Last month, when I walked by somebody, I said "hello". This person took out his ear plug and asked me to repeat what I said. I said: I just said "hello". That person frowned and continued to walk, as if I did something disturbing.

It is a common thing to hear colleagues complaining about the numbers of committees that they have to serve and the numbers of meetings that they have to attend. Last month, I actually hear someone complaining that she was never invited for "xxx" meeting, which is the mostly hated meeting by me....

So now I am convinced: Gods are crazy, people are crazy....what else? the world must be crazy...


You come to me and ask me: How can we do this? In this way or that way?
I nervously replied: Which way you like, baby.....

You just left and murmured: you Chinese sucker......





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Part of me

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Whenever I was heartbroken, I told my friends that part of me was just dead. Said it couple of times, I started to wonder if it was just one part, that part of me that can die and regrow.

There were a number of times that I stood on a scale and tried to see if I can weigh that part. I never can. But I know it was gone and my heart felt much lighter. When my heart was light, I somehow knew I will be alright. One way or the other, everything will work out just fine.

But that part of me always come back. Sometimes, when the pain started to grow inside me, I realized that that part of me had come back. When it start to hurt like hell, that part will die again......Sometimes, I hated that part...Don't know how to make it go away without feeling pain......

When I was an art museum last week, I happened to stand right beside some school chidren. Their teacher was explaining to them how Ejyptian weigh people's heart against a Jar of feather and determine who went to heaven. They said only people with a light heart can go to heaven.

Standing in the middle of a art museum, my tears started to run out of eyes.......I suddenly realize that we all have that part.......we all have it..........Maybe we don't have to wait until we die to go to hell or heaven

Maybe we are already there. Or maybe we live in a universe full of those bubbles. Some are darker than the other. When we stay in a dark bubble, that part of us will grow. People we met may repel each other. When we are repelled and break the wall of a dark bubble, that part will die.....

After I had this theory of bubble, I started to see people differently. I just saw a man walking by without replying to my greeting. I started to wonder if his part was growing...........Should it make a difference if his part was growing?...I don't know..........There are too many things that I don't know.





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The city is covered by fog......

The entire city is covered by fog...beautiful fog...Entire city looks like a ancient painting...Grey and moody...Trees look a lot different then they are in a bring day. They are a lot more humble in fog....

Far end of the sky seems to have swallowed rivers......World is smaller now. Its boundary is never this close. So close, you can even smell the other world.

Fog was never depicted as a joyful thing in literatures..I guess people are still scared of the other side of the world......Still scared of...........Unknown things....

Girls interrupted

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The next book I read after "the audacity of hope" was "Girls interrupted". It describes the life of a girl,Susana, who is mentally disordered. This is a very interesting and well written book. I liked it a lot.

One of my favorate page is the doctor's note on Susana's case, and it records the evidences indicating Susana's illness. The following is the abstract version of that note:

1. The chaotic unplanned life.
2. Hopeless ideas.
3. No therapy and no plans at present.
4. Immersion in fantasy.

After I closed the book, my heart is flooded with the fear towards Doctors...I am often called as a "Doctor". But you know, what type of Doctors I am talking about here.

I absolutely need to make sure that they are at least 2 miles away from me. I suddenly realize that the reason I am still so mentally healthy and have a unlocked up life is because I haven't met a doctor yet.

Overall, it is a fun book to read....My favorite joke in that book: Someone in the ice cream shop asked Susanna: Do you need some nuts on your ice cream????


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Cheap review of the first chapter of the Audacity of Hope

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This review is cheap is because I am a cheap person, not the common type of cheap. I mean I would rather be wrong than be expensive. For example, I downloaded illegal movies and music. When I was in SF last winter, I almost joined homeless people to get free food. My hobbies are equally cheap. For example, my favorite thing is to sit in Barnes and Noble to read "Free" books.

Right infront of me is Obama's "The audacity of hope". I stared at it as if it is a monster book and will bite me as soon as I open it. I have to admit that it is a fearful thing to read Obama's book. I confronted my fear just to know one thing: Am I wrong about Obama?

He is officially the first president who I don't like. I even didn't dislike Bush. To me, he was simply not visionary enough to foresee the possible unhappy endings of many brilliant things started by the presidents prior to him. He was also not sophisticated enough to prevent the emerging of the unhappy endings of his things before the termination of his term. Nobody was born to be visionary and sophisticated, including those who voted for Bush.

I disliked Obama is not because that he is not a good president. He just ruined my day once. On that day, I waked up in one of his speeches. I am generally good at resisting other people's speeches. But in that morning, I was half sleep and half awake. His speech about 'we can make a change' found its way to invade my brain. I ended up waking up completely with my blood boiling. Seeing his slogan "we can make a change" on a daily basis often made me wonder: why he didn't point out what needs to be changed?"

On that morning, I found that he never had to given an answer, since with the boiling blood, everything seems to need a change. For instance, I happened to receive my pay check on that day. I found it was absolutely necessary for me to demand a higher pay. With a heated head, I had completely forgotten how much I had learned from this job.

That day, my head was entirely hot. As an academic nerd, that is the least thing I would want to have. I happened to have to revise one of my manuscripts and I happened to have to read the reviewer's comments again. I almost had the urge to smash the brain out of those reviewers. How can they be so "stupid" and fail to recognize the value of my brilliant paper.

Being angry all day, I went home and changed the radio channel. Now, infront of the Obama's book, I held a cup of ice water and ready to pour it on my head whenever it gets heated.

The first chapter was unbelievably well written. It describes his journey to cool down his boiling blood. You can see peace in his recollection of his pass.

At one point, he mentioned that he was surprised to see how modest people's basic needs are: a job provides pay that covers basic living, time with kids, and a decent retirement. He then decided to set his career goal to satisfy these basic needs.

Initially, I was very touched by the simplicity of his career goal. Few seconds later, I found out why I disliked him. He seemed to have forgotten one thing: those modest needs are achieved by deep thinking and years of struggles with greed which always grow freely whenever people'e blood were heated. Only people with a cool head can articulate a modest need.

Obama's speech touches every fiber of people's heart and it unboubtedly can boil people's blood. His career philosophy however counts on the depth in people's thinking and a cool head above everybody's shoulder.

He seemed to understand that it is a painful process to cool down the boiling blood, since he provided a length explanation of the hell he went though to cool down his blood. But he chose to boil everybody else's blood. It is almost like saying: I went through my hell, now it is your turn. The inconsistency in his saying and acts is too obvious to me.

Maybe this the reason why people generally think politicians do the dirty work. They just said too much and did too much. I failed to find a way to like Obama, at least for now.

Maybe I am just being so cynical and I shouldn't comment on him. Look how cheap I am. My fingers helplessly wondered into my pocket almost every minutes, where I kept a coupon ....



...(After I wrote this, I kept asking myself if I have been so severe about Obama. He had a lot of pressure already..Should I be nice? Maybe I should...)


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Born to want to be loved

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Movie making has proven to be really profitable. As a result, each year, there are hundreds of movies released. Although, movies helped a great deal for me to understand this world, my tolerance for a so so movie was really really limited. I often dare not to watch just any movies. The reason I watched the pride and prejudice is because My sister used to read the novel when I was a little kid. I disliked that story back then. Now, when I watched it as a Movie, I actually like it.

Lizze's life has many elements that would be considered as nightmares for most of the girls in the world. Her look is plain. Nevertheless, she has a stunning sister, who is perfect in almost every possible way. Her mother is silly and awkward. She certainly can never serve as a role model. Her father couldn't have cared less about her life.

The positive things in her life were also depressing. Even she has an inferior birth, her life is still decent, and she never truly experienced poverty, which makes it difficult for her to comprise. The most hazardous thing is her intelligence, which makes her sensitive and complicated. Also the most embarrassing positive thing happened to her: she has a admirer, who happened to be ridiculous. What could have done more damage to a girl's image than a ridiculous admirer?

Everyday, she could be infected with all sorts of ill thoughts. Sights of the beauty of her sister every moment, could undoubtedly stir up jealousy. Watching her mother's ridiculous acts could raise shameful feelings. Her father's careless miner could really turn every of her hope to desperation.

If she never fought with those negative elements, her destiny should be a mixture of the hate towards the reality and the indulgence of self-pity. But for some reason, the most extraordinary thing just had happened. She had grown to be a health girl. She is cheerful, and caring. Her merits were wide spread, and too numerous to list. They could be as miner as her love of the nature. It could be as glory as her willingness to sacrifice herself. She is confident and in the meanwhile modest. She behaved appropriately, but never had too much formality to be superficial. Her mind was never infected with any ill thoughts.

Any audience will have to love her. She defined herself and chose her own destiny. Isn't that admirable? Because of your love to her, you naturally think she deserves the very best on the earth. Here comes Mr. Darcy. To add a little twist, he appeared to inadequate at first, since the things he did indicate that he was proud and cruel. Only later, we found that he is perfect in every way.

In this movie, Lizze is a character in 1800's. You will find it is so nature that Jane's life is centered on the love. Back then, woman's major job is to find a man to marry. Now, things have changed. We, woman, are expected to man's jobs. Then why, people still love this novel and also the movie?

I remember when I was little, I noticed how beautiful my sister was, and how ugly I was. I dare not to look at minors. I read extensively. I had hoped that it can make it up to my appearance, which only made everything worse. The more I read, the more I realize that all men are equally shallow and they are all hopelessly possessed with beauties.

At age 11, I envisioned a possible miserable life for myself to be at 30s, I was in a deep desperation. I remember, when I was 11 there was a day when the house was out of the electricity, I lighted a candle to study. My sister asked me: why are you studying this hard? I stared at her and couldn't say a word.

At age 11, I already knew the pride and Prejudice is just a fairytale. I refuse to accept it, since I knew in every fairytale, the forever-happiness always grow out of a muddy misery. I pretend I never wanted to be loved, since I knew I cannot get it.

At age 31, I found myself tearing in front of this movie. I felt pain in my chest when Lizze declined Mr. Darcy's proposal. I guess I was not stupidified by aging. I just had no fears anymore. If I look back, the reason I disliked this novel is because I was fighting with my desire to be loved. To make sure that I wouldn't feel disaappointed later, I squeezed the throat of hopes that one day, I will be loved. Silly, isn't it?

Now I know everybody was born to want to be loved. I also knew people can not always get what they wanted. I start to indulge myself in fairytales once in a while. The most important thing is I am already in my 30s, and I have lost part of my youth. I no long fear a loveless life.


My tears were running out of eyes when I watched Liz and Darcy kissed each other. I wiped my tears and closed the movie. Maybe I should start to pack. Tomorrow, I will take TRAIN...real TRAIN to go somewhere. I don't truly care where I will go. On a train, love no longer matters..........Since we are all strangers......we don't love strangers...........


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Conversation with GOD

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One day, I died. I went to heaven. I met GOD there.

I cried. I told GOD: I didn't know you were here. I didn't even know your existence.


GOD said: I am always with you.

I said: really? I often pray, but you never responded.

GOD took out a long list, and he said: yes. I was always with you. For example, when you were six, you prayed for a doll. I didn't know what a doll was. But I rained to water your flowers. Do you remember your flower bloomed the next morning. When you were eight, you asked for good grades on the exams. I went to your classroom. To be honest with you, I don't know any answers to those questions. But I filled your pen with more inks. When you were 18, you asked for a boyfriend. I sent a boy, but you chose someone else.

Who did you send?

The boy next to your door.

That boy? He is not handsome. Besides, his grades were poor.

But he was very healthy and can live very long. Something you asked for wasn't very nice. For example, you want me to kill your obnoxious coworker. I had to ignore you. But when your coworker asked me for the same thing, I also ignored her.

Are you truly GOD? You don't even know what a doll is. What exactly can I pray for?

Kiddo, I gave you almost everything when you were born. I don't know why you kept asking for things that I don't understand. That kept me busy. But I am OK with it. I don't have much things to do here.

Why didn't you give me happiness?

Happiness? Heaven is full of happiness. People are bored, and they often beg for some sadness. I had thought you would appreciate sadness down there.

Really????

Yeah, Kiddo. Remember you what said today. You have happiness for the eternity. Don't ask me for the sadness later.....


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Reader

The Reader is the second movie that I watched this year. The first is the slumdog millionaire, which I have discussed in my previous blog. I have to say that I run into that movie. Before I watched it, I didn't know it is a movie praised by many people.

The Reader is different. I watched it is because there are numerous people recommending it on mitbbs. I watched it three times. The first time, I was quite impatient. The movie did not seem to attact to my attention. I was working on my papers the half of the time. The story appeared to be plain: a teenage boy, Michael, had a lover, Hanna, who used to work for Nazi army. The boy met his lover in a trial, when she was accused of being responsible for hunderds of deaths.

I watched it the second time, after I read more movie reviews. Some people say this movie is about the first time lover, and how unforgetable the first lover could be. After I watched it again, I couldn't figure it out whether Michael made those tapes is because he still loves Hanna. Or he was tortured by guilts for giving up a chance to save Hanna. After all these years, his brain tells him that Hanna was guilty, but his heart says differently.

The second time seemed to be quite unsuccessful. I couldn't decide if I should give up. Someone mentioned that this movie is about German generation gap. I bet those Germanese after the war were entirely confused. They, once the best "species" on earth, turned into criminals in one night. If the movie tells the story from this angle, it must be interesting. Maybe I should give it another tril. Then I watched it the third time. I calibrated my view and hoped that I enjoy this movie was much as other people. However, after watching it for three times, I was still quite confused. I knew the movie tried to lay out the struggles of Michael who tried to comprehend the incomprehensible thing. This struggle was, however, triggered by love. It made you doubt that if the German generation after the war had opportunity to have this kind of struggles or they were already given an answer. Who would want to puzzle themself if an answer was given.

Ok. this movie must be a good one since many people cried after they watched it. However, when I watched it, I was analytical. This is not right.....I was not supposed to be analytical. I should be emotional, tearing, out of my mind...or something more dramatic...

Anyway, I conclude that the Reader is not my type of movie. I will read the novel, and hopefully perceive this story from the right angle.